Maybe it's finally time.

I've always thought that me and Dan would work, I always thought that it would be okay and everything would plan out and be fine. I was wrong, so wrong. Dans moved on, maybe too quick for my bitterness to comprehend with, but he has. Maybe it's fine for me to finally close the book of me and Dan, maybe it's finally time.

What this post is about is me moving on. There will be other boys out there, there is other boys out there. I'm almost blond to all these people because all I'm seeing is Dan. All I've seen for the past 11 months is Dan, Dan moving in and out of my life. Like he always does.

You know what's the hardest part about all of this? He's doing things with her that he never with me and I feel sort of embarrased when I say this but I feel angry at him. Why did he never post things on his story about me, little things which all add up. I don't want to sound horrible, I just want to move on.

Funny thing is I sort of knew it wouldn't work, I sort of knew that every day was a one day contract because he gets bored, he moves on, finds a new girl, fall out and we always find some reason to end up what we do best, use each other. I knew it wouldn't work in the back of my head, but my other part of my brain was screaming "give it another go, again".

I'm starting college again, with my lovely class mates, I'm starting English with hopefully lovely classmates and I'm so excited to see what is about to happen. This time last year I never even thought about Dan like that, I wasn't even his friend on Facebook. I never thought that he would change me and mould me into this girl who's scared and hurt by all his strange ways and wicked lies.

I want the best for Dan, I do, I truly do from the bottom of my heart. I want him to be happy, to find a job which makes him smile every day, I want him to be healthy and not in pain. Most of all I want us to be able to look back in 10 years time and smile at our mistakes and not take them to heart. To laugh at our arguments and for him to tell me just how annoying I really was.

I used to wish most nights that I could have Dan in my life, that I could be the one to make him happy but after 5 failed attempts I think we can say that it's over now, well and truly over. I used to wish a lot of things, maybe I wish too much. Maybe I set my bar to night and that's why I'm constantly upset when things don't go to plan. Or maybe that's it, that I always have to have a plan. Maybe I'm too forward or maybe, just maybe. Maybe I'm scared, scared of being that girl who goes of office parties alone, lives alone and is forever alone. I have all these plans, ideas and a whole bunch of ambition and I'm scared, more or less terrified that it's going to not come true.

Dans not a bad person, he isn't. As much as I slag him off, as much as I hate the fact he has a scooter and he never told me and as much as he smokes and has a stupid hair cut. He's a good person and he does have a good heart. He was the person I called when I was stuck, he was the person who was there for me when I was sad. Now I need to realise that I'm a big girl and it it nice to have a person for you. But you don't need it, I just want it. I want the attention and this is a problem I need to sort out.

Do any of you remember the start of the year when I put myself on a boy ban? I do and I remember how empowered it made me feel, how strong I felt because I was surviving life without a males attention.

Do I feel jealous of the girl? No, I don't, honestly and truthfully no. Because if it was meant to be, it wouldn't have taken 5 attempts, nothing takes that long. I believe that something, up in the starry skies was and has been testing me, making me ready for the next big thing which is about to come in my life.

They say to start a new page you have to end the chapter or something like that, I feel with this situation, Dan was more of a book. So this is the final page of the book. There will be no epilogue to recheck, simply because I won't care, not anymore.

Writing this has made me think, made me tear up and made me feel a bit sorry for becca because maybe she was just upset about seeing Dan move on, maybe she wasn't ready.

Writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, I'm finally free to move on, finally free to you know.. Get on that scene again. I'm just not sure how to do that.. Oops.

Officially it's over, for real this time. It's done.

Short and sweet.

Why anxiety sucks

So I'm sat here, on my bed, panicking. Panicking that I've wrecked everything because of some small misunderstanding. This right here is anxiety at its worse. I feel sick, my nose gets stuffy, my hands get cold but everything else gets hot and this sense of bad comes over me.

I need reassuring, I need answers to all my questions. I can't have people blanking me when it is this important. What have I done? Does he hate me? How can I make this better? I have multiple questions wishing around my head, begging for answers when I can't do it. I can't answer all the questions, in question.

I loose myself, i loose all control over my mind and body. My brain thinks it's under attack, when I'm okay. People think I make small thinks bigger, think I'm needy, annoying and persistent. Truth is, I hate being them things. I just need answers to move on to the next annoying question.

So if anyone I know is reading this, please don't think I'm being annoying, I mean sometimes I can be really annoying but that's because I want to be. I can't help this sort of annoyance. Please try and reply back, please try and just keep in mind that if we have a argument, I will panic, no matter what. I will think that this is the worst thing ever and that there is so light at the end of the tunnel.

I am sorry, I am.

I had an abortion and I'm not scared anymore.

I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face because in two weeks time it's my due date. My due date which will never come and I chose that to happen. I chose to do that.

I was in a relationship with a guy who I loved and still love. I had to ask myself was I ready to bring another life into this world when we were kids? I don't regret falling pregnant with him, because maybe if we were older and wiser and a little bit more in love, maybe it would have worked. Maybe it would have all planned out and I would have had a baby bump.

But it didn't.

I was never ready, I was never ready to tell Lisa of all people. I broke down, told her everything and made sure that she knew it was the right thing for me. Even when I wasn't sure. I was going through all of this and I was still worrying about others.

I sometimes forget and rub my belly or I look at baby clothes. Pick out names and arrange god parents for a child that will never be born.

I had an abortion and I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared because I done the most selfish thing I could have done, but I done it for the baby. Not me or Kieran or anyone else. Imagine it's life, no baby would have changed me and Kieran and he would still speak to her. It would have separate homes and separate families which have never met.

People will ask why I got pregnant if I couldn't handle it and I get it, judge me all you want. But, deep down I thought it would fix things. I thought it would have things better and for things to be perfect again. I never tricked him into it, I told him my intentions and why I wanted it.nit was very much a planned occurance. Just one which turned out to be.. Unwanted. No, not unwanted but unwanted at this time. If I could some how freeze that baby and re implant it when I'm older, wiser and stronger I would have. But I can't.

I'm anna and I had an abortion at 17. And I cried because I was in pain and I cried because I knew it was over. It was over between me and Kieran and it was over between me and my abortion baby.

And people will judge me because of what happened with T, i couldnt do it. im sat here, in a hospital bed and i feel shit. i done what was bes for me, im not ready to have a baby, not with kieran... ever with kieran. so judge me, because ive heard it all before.

He told me he never cared, that all I was, was a pair of boobs and basically a sex doll. Yet I still love him. I love him because he makes me feel half full instead of half empty. Something which you and me will never understand.

I'm not scared of my demons anymore, they don't come and find me. I'm not scared that I won't be accepted when I have a baby because I know I will. More of all, I'm not scared that I failed as a person and as a daughter. If anything I have succeeded.

Im loosing him and it hurts.

ive fell back in doing what i do best, falling in love with dan. and i know i shouldnt, i know i should have left it and never have even messaged him back. but i did, of course i did. of course i messaged him back and made him my number one priority, i always do.

it hurts more than anything because i can feel him slipping out of my hands and then i will be left alone, again. we arent going out, and im not even sure if we are talking. what are we? im just there, waiting for him to come back. i feel like crying and never even talking to him again, but i cant. i said this about kieran and im still back there. im still wanting him.

sometimes i think to myself that im probably better off staying in bed, alone.

i cant do this, i cant be doing this. i cant do this to myself.

im so stupid for falling for him again.

Dear Kieran.

Kieran, i have loved you since year 7 and not much has changed. apart from myself, who has changed massively. im writing this on here because i know you wont ever read it, so i can really say what i want.

you took a part of my that i wish i saved for someone who loved me, not the attention. i cannot forgive myself for what i did and i know you will never forgive me. i was 16 kieran, i was scared. im so sorry that i never told you until it was too late. i am so sorry that i broke your heart, but you also broke mine and you never said sorry.

you will always be my special boy, you will always be my first time for everything and most of all, you will always be my friend. i should hate ou, i should want to kill you and trust me, it has crossed my mind. i should be able to walk down a street and not be reminded of you, but now i realised how much stuff we actually did together. how many memories we created and how many happy times we had. do you remember on our first date when you fell right on your arse and tried to act cool? i was still giggling about that 4 years on. do you remember when i used to call you a human calculator because you can answer most math questions?

we both know deep down that we need to move on, that we need to become two separate people. ill always bump into you at parties, and it probably will be strange seeing you on the other side of the room with a girl. im trying so hard to move on from you, im trying to speak to this boy who i really do like and you two would get on great, but i think it would be a bit strange if you were friends. i know you hate the idea of me sleeping with another guy and trust me, i hate the idea of you sleeping with another girl and having some strange girls hair slips around your room. i dont like the fact that there will be someone who wears your jumpers and sleeps on my side of the bed. there will be another girl who meets your mam and dad. a couple of months ago i would have tried anything to make us work, trust me, anything. i was prepared to move all around the world to be happy with you.

i dont know why we didnt work, i really dont. i dont k ow why we used to argue over who was wearing a onesie because it was always too hot in bed with two on. i dont know why we used to get a shower first because we always used to just share anyways.

most of all, i dont know why you stopped loving me and went back to her. because that hurt. the day i found out, when lisa took me for a costa and i knew. i knew it was over because she had tears in her eyes kieran. she just told me what she seen, you know at that party i never went because i thought we would enjoy a night with the lads. you didnt tell me that there was half of my year there and her. i have such big trust issues because of you, i cant trust a boy. i will always think that they will just go away and move on. if they dont text back, it means they are cheating. when all it could mean is that they are watching oitnb. i dont trust dan and he probably doesnt trust me. i dont trust any boy because of you. do you see how fucked up that is?

so thank you, from the bottom of my heart for making me feel like shit, for making me feel worthless, for making me paranoid about everything. thank you so very much for making each relationship that bit harder. thank you for making me self conscious about my boobs, now i hate showing them off. thank you for making me scared to wear vests because my arms are too big. thank you for making me feel utterly disgusting and then telling me i was 'over reacting'. thank you for showing me up at a family party, thank you for getting shit faced at your cousins birthday, that was a nice first time meeting all the family. thank you for making my mam hate every boy i will ever talk to, shes doing brill, thanks for asking. thank you for leaving me when i was crying, because i had just found out my mam had c. thank you for not being there when i needed a cuddle. thank you for that valentines present which was hers from thr year before, heres a tip for you, its under your bed. thank you for not coming my prom even though you promised. thank you for saying i dressed like a freak, just because i refused to wear a short skirt and a crop top. thank you for making me truly believe every boy will treat me like this. thank you for coming to appleby and being such a embarrassment to all my family by calling them such horrible names. its a good job they can take a 'joke'.

most of all, thank you for being in my life since 2009, because without you, i have no idea where i would be.

do you see? do you see what you have done? im broken kieran, i dont even know if anyone can ever fix me.

update

i feel like i should do a intro, but this is my space and i can do what i want. so ignore the lack of capital letters.

i havnt wrote on here for a while, months in fact. i have been so busy with my other blog i have forgot to blog about me. anna.

so whats happened? i could lie and come up with loads of stories, but relaistically, naff all. i fell out with kieran, well we didnt fall out. he just stopped. in my last posts i went on about that the spark had went. i was just like a chore instead of something i enjoyed doing. if you can class as sending nudes 7 days a week as enjoyable. we didnt say anything, i think we just both relaised we didnt have that connection anymore. i mean, i would always go back. always. as much as he pisses me off with the 'i wanna shag u' shit. i porbably havnt gotten over him. and if he is anything like the luke hold effect, i will probably be still loving him when i get married.

so i didnt get inot gen 2. i told my dad i did, maybe he would be proud of me. yes i lied but i wanted a reaction. he said well done, thats all. i am sick of him. im sick of claire being my dads twin. i want to spend time with him, i want to actually know my own dad. i dont want to know claire. then everyone brings up james, that was different. i have spent my whole life with my mam. it really hurts me to say this, but james is more of a dad to me than my own dad will ever be. he hugs me when i cry, washes my knickers, cooks me food and provides a roof over my head. i get that my dad doesnt live with me, i get that he is essentally a weed end dad. but that doesnt mean that he has to give up on me. because its always me who phones him, its always me who asks where he is. im fed up of trying and not even getting a reaction. im sick of being 17 and not even knowing my own dad. most off all, im sick of my dad not having a voice.

i feel like because i havnt blogged for ages, i have so much to say and so little time. my anxiety took a funny turn, im okay but its just strange. i cant cross a road of the lights are already green. i have no clue when this started, it just happened. i feel like i can going to get ran over. i have to wait, and in carlisle you can see the problem. the fact that there is hundereds of traffic lights.

well i think this is enough for today. i feel better now i have some stuff off my chest.

love, anna x

I love Kieran

I love Kieran. I do. I love his addiction and i love how he can make me smile. I dont love dan, im not saying this to try and convince myself, i just dont. i have changed a lot since i last went with him and the thing what happened in feb was just a slip. we will always have history and we will always flirt but thats it.

i need to write this is everytime i feel like i want to kill dan i can read this. everytime he pops up asking to skype i can bring my head up high and not cave in. i need all my attention on kieran because he is my life, my life is kieran now and he deserves the whole me.

I LOVE MYSELF.

phew, that felt good.

thats all really

i love kieran and not dan
i love kieran and not dan

update anna; you loved dan. always dan

Bucket list

Lots of people have done this and im doing it first on here s i can do it on my main blog.

Travel to india alone
Have dinner in the effiel tower
Have something named after me
Buy some levi jeans
Go on a adventure during the night with my friends
Learn to swim
Live in germany for a year
Buy a sausage dog called fudge
Go to Disney world
Have my own business of some type
Sing in public
Go to a festival
Finish my dolls house
Sky dive
Write a letter to certain people
Be a size 12
Read a book in a day
Appear on a radio station
Buy a swimming costume
Make a new friend
Get my blog noticed
Get christened
Go back to normandy
Take oscar on holiday
Drive a Mitsubishi evo 9
Get a personalised number plate
Learn a new language
Buy a soda stream
Live in a city
Have £1000 in the bank
Go for a picnic

Love

I used the word 'love' alot in my last blog post. The post about my two ex's, and i realised that i do love them, but i also love alot of people and thats okay.

Of course i will always love kieran, probably when i get married I'll think about the what ifs. Its okay to love him, he was my first everything. I was a love struck 11 year old who fell in love with a boy, how cute is that? I dont think i will ever stop loving him,  i just dont think thats gonna happen.

Every ex gave me the chance to be someone else, to be who i wanted to be but couldn't.

I was on a boy ban, but i broke it because i started to speak to my ex again and ive broke it again. Opps. This time its not a boy.. Its a girl. Its a person who knows me the best, who gets me.. This person is called Anna. I've fallen in love with myself, not in any creepy way. Just a way that i can love myself for being me. I need to love myself before i can even think about dating a boy, or shit happens like me and kieran and that situation.

I love myself and thats okay because I'm okay.

Mwah

X x x

Moving on

Over these past few weeks I've been crying and blogging a lot, but ive also been thinking.

I love my two ex's, so very much. I love kieran as much as i did the first time i spoke to him and i love dan as much the same as the first time i kissed him.

Thats okay.

Its okay to still love them. Whats not okaybis for them to affect me as much as they have. But have they? Have they personally affected me? Honestly, no. I need to say goodbye to them. God i need to be me again.

Here goes.

Kieran. My wonderful snapchatting friend! You know how much i love you. How much you have made me well me. I know you know deep down that you never meant to hurt me. All you wanted as fun. Im so sorry for being over protected and asking silly questions. Im sorry for the fact i love you as much as i do. Because i know you dont love me as much. You do love me, i know you do. I know deep down that you do have some sort of feelings towards me. I should hate you. I really should. The point of this is for me to stop feeling so bad about the whole situation. You were my first love, always and forever. I have no regrets about that.

Dan. I hope you read this, i think you will. I really hope so. I need you to know thatbi love you. As much as yesterday but more than tomorrow. I need to move on, i need to find a person who makes me happy. At one point i thought that was you. It wasnt. I want you to be happy as much as i want to be happy. We will never work, i know this. If you didnt hate me you would have cared for me and about me. Im ready and strong enough to move on. I just want to be anna again dan. Thats all.

I deserve to be happy

"Oh anna, why didnt you say anything?" "its okay, im here for you" bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Dont you even think about trying to make me feel bad. No. I dont want to talk. I dont want to cimmunicate with anyone other then the people i live with. No. I dont want a night out because that wont solve anything.

You werent here for me when i needed you. So dont even think popping up now for a fucking catch up is going to solve this. Dont even think trying to talk to me when you can clearly fucking see thatbi dont want to speak. And most importantly, dont even think about ever bringing up my ex. Ever.

I had no one. 0 people. I was so lonely and i spent nearly all my 6 weeks alone. So now is not the time to try and make friends with me again. I texted my so called fucking friends so many times. I texted everyone asking for a meet up. What was i suppose to do? Text you saying "hi i feel like dying today so fancy a coffee?"

But this isnt about my friends not being there for me. This is about my friends thinking shit anna really isnt okay and we should helo her. No. I have dan and karl who are the most amazing boys ever. 2 friends are worth so much more than fucking cunts of my old friends. It was karl who came through and hugged me when i was crying. It was dan who convinced me to go to the doctors. But yous, yous convinced me that i had made a mistake. That i was worthless and that i had no friends. Maybe i was worthless and had no friends, maybe thatsbwhat you thought. But i knew better. I knew thatbi meant something to someone. I knew that i was going to pull round.

This goes out to everyone who lied in my leavers book. Everyone who said they would keep in touch and everyone who said they would stick by me. This goes to the friends to said drunken promises but i always kept mine, my bestfriends who slowly faded away. To the bullys and to everyone who doubted me. Tell me again thats im not worth it, i dare you.

Anna get a grip

So someone has leaked out my blog. This blog. My thing which keeps me sane. Great.

I had no idea until this morning. When everyone was phoning me or texting me offering me support. On what? Eh? 'what you on about' i replied. Only to be shocked with the news everyone knew. Everyone had found out about my thing.

So i have some explaining to do, obviously.

Its right. The crack which is around every group chat and whatsapp group is true. I got myself in a sitaution where ibwas so scared to even tell my mam. What you dont know is that, on the night. On the most vilest night of my life. I walkes down to the shore and cried for 6 hours. I sent a single text out to kieran saying 'be good, ill love you forever. Do us proud.' he replied begging me to stop. Stop what? Living or attempting to die? Because thats what i wanted to do. Die. He rang my bestfriend and the rest was a blur. I woke up at carlisle hospital with tubes everywhere and two faces looking at me.

At that point, i realised that the most important person in my life was me.

So today, as in the 31st march 2015 im going to throw out everything. My test. My whole life for them weeks. 2014 was the worst year. I really dont know how i coped. Or even survived.

So if you see me, dont come up to me and tell me your sorry. Dont tell me youll be there for me because how many of you were there for me when i needed you? How many of you replied when i said i needed a word? Do not tell me you understand because you dont. You simply dont know. You dont know how much kieran has fucked up my life. How much he controls it without evrn knowing. He has no clue how much he has messed me up. Do you understand now?

I left school and entered a world of work where i really fucking needed friends. I needed support and i needed someone to be strong for me. I stopped being strong on that night. I didn't see a reason for me to be strong anymore. I was single, depressed and ready to die. So how Can you understand?

You lot can blame kieran, you can say he was the worst person ever but you know whos the worst person ever? You. It was kieran who i phoned at 4 am telling him how i felt and i couldnt sleep. It was him who used to text me every night to make sure i was alive. It was him who i keep alive for. How dare you say hes a bad personwhen he has never said anything about you. He never called zoe when she upset me. She never called lisa when she left me and she never called jade when she told me this whole thing was for attention. Never has he spoke nasty about any of you. But you think its okay?

This isnt okay. So carry on speaking about me but if this is the gad damn world we live in. God may have mercy.

It's time

My thing. My thing is that i never wanted to be like this. I never wanted to not be able to do normal things. I never wanted to loose all my friends because they dont understand how complex anxiety is. It isnt just me being scared of people, its me being terrified of life. Of the gym, of college, people, jobs even going to college toilets. Things you do without thinking make me tense up. Opening a door takes hours of preparing. The what ifs outstand the normal questions. I freak at the thought of opening the door the wrong way, thats not normal. I check my alarm atleast 10 times before i go to bed, thats not normal. The word normal is used to often to make people like me, feel not normal. To feel judged and to feel like there is no cure. Jade quite nastily said "there is no treatment for it" but there is. Only i can 'cure' myself. No pills like her. She has depression and anxiety where i have ocd and anxiety. Everyone is different. There is only me who understand me. This. They dont get me, they never have. I actually thought jade was there but shes got a boyfriend now so bye bye anna. I never made myself inna situation where i left my friends. Ever.

This is what i wrote on Friday. These past few weeks have been hell. Utter hell. 2 very important boys have flew in and out of my life. And i keep looking at my bastard test, because i wanted that baby. I wanted us to hsve that baby, i did. I thought things would go well. I stupidly thought. I thought that he would stay around and help me but ne got drunk. He left me when i was going through the most heart aching part of my life, and he was drunk. June 2015

I ask myself all the time how different life would have been, if things went to plan. If October 4th never happened. For a while i was stuck in this loop of looking at cots and then crying. Crying in bed because i was alone. Because no one knew apart from him.

I'll never have children. I know that. Just like some people can never walk. You adjust your life. A baby clark would have been cute, it would have been amazing but it would have also of stopped me. From being me. From me and him being us. Being 17 and knowing you cant have children of your own is horrible, But also exciting in some sick, twisted way. I will have children, 6 of them. Enna-hollie rose, sina Maria, zander david, stephan james, nia grace..

Oh mr Clark

Everytime I hear the word Kieran i smile. Not because im happy, because inside im breaking. Slowly he is once again, taking over my life.

His name on snapchat always makes me happy, but for the wrong reasons. He tried tonight and he actually thought a picture was going to make me drop my bra and knickers for him. Im very open to what we did, we used eachother or he used me. At the end of the day we both got satisfaction out of it. It really is hard to start doing it again, because it doesnt feel the same. For me to stop having feelings for him would take joe weller crossed with barry barry to walk in my life and marry me. Im just tired of feeling tired.

Meh.

Lets talk more tomorrow.

Love ya

Update on life

So i thought it would be cool to do a update on life. Most importantly life with the boys, the ex's and lets not forget; Kieran C.

Luke h.
Kieran c.
Scott kelly.
Ashley f.
Jack s.
Dan d.

Luke Andrew hold. Well we have just missed our 4 year anniversary. It has been such a long time of not speaking to him i think the last time was last year. Yeah, it was the barge pole status and me going mental at him. Happy days. He will always be the first boy i foolishly loved. Do i hate him? No, i really dont. Do i wish i done it differently? Of course, but without him i probably wouldn't of had my other relationships.

Kieran Clark. Wow. No doubt about it that hes still firmly on the scene, he still sends me snapchats at night and sometimes.. I give in. I tried it the other week and that spark had gone, i could have been speaking to anyone. I realised that a very big chunk of this blog is about kieran and how much he did affect me. You know, I'm still at that stage where he could come up to me, ask me out and i would scream yes in his face and send a snapchat of us holding hands. Not like I've thought of this or anything. Without him i wouldnt have met jack or even had the confidence of liking dan. I do still love him, I've loved him since september 2009. Thats along time.

Scott kelly. Grrr. Not lying, i did like him and i was on the verge of loving him. But for once i was on the receiving end of all these lies. The fact he had a girl friend for one! He was a nice lad, i havnt spoke to him for a very long time but he did try and add me on facebook. After be vanished and blocked me, can i just add. I didnt accept and then he blocked me again. Wow. But, if i can do a year without him and be perfectly fine. I think im okay.

Ashley Farnsworth. Hahahaha. Right. Where do i begin? This relationship was honestly the worst one yet. It was a bomb waiting to go off. He didnt like the fact that i was 16 and slept with as many people as i have. Opps. He also didnt like the fact that i had a fucking social life whilst he stroked his bike (i mean literally, not even his dick). Then one day whilst i was in art, he sent me a text saying he knew i was cheating on him because thats why i wouldnt meet him. Not the fact i have social anxiety or anything. The cunt! He also goes out with the girl who dates nearly all of my ex's. I hope they get clap and have a awful life. Cunts.

Jackkkkk! Awh man, i do miss him! He was a pain in the arse but he was funny. The skype calls, the arguing, the no i am not going to visit you and nurse your dick. Is he popped up right now i am so up for falling in love with him again. Defiantly! Hes up there with kieran and dan for the sence of love.

Which brings me nicely on to dan. Dan lee Dixon. The first ever person I've ever met within the first 2 weeks. Was he stupid? Was i stupid? Or lets be straight here, were we both abit stupid? I love him a silly amount. I do. Im sorry friends, family, im sorry dan but i love you. You broke my heart to a point where all i wanted to do was cry. Not even kieran could sort me out and i knew karl really wanted to come and punch you. With me, any boy had 3 goes (apart from kieran whos on his 13th)and you wrecked it on the last one. I honestly dont know if i could keep on doing this. Im turning 18 soon and very soon you're turning 22. Do you know how many panic attacks, sleepless nights or even how many friends i have risked for you? I would never hate you, judge you or speak nasty about you. Just right now, im not very happy with you. Last night i had a knife, but i wasnt going to let a boy ruin my legs and my heart. Not this time. Maybe its time for us both to realise that we are never going to work, ever.

So there it is everyone! My update on the boys. Yeah.

Mwah

X x x

Letting people in

I finally did what i never wanted to do. I finally let 2 people who know me the best, in my life. And i was scared, like really scared.

One of them i wasnt bothered about, he knew how much kieran had taken over my life and he was fully aware of me and dan. But, then i let dan look into my blog. He broke me, he literally broke me because for once i was all hyped up about him and not kieran, but then he vanished, he went and i was alone... Again.

For the past 3 months or longer actually my blogs are about him, they are about my friends reactions, us breaking up and making up and then me being left a little broken.

Letting dan in was the worst and best thing I've ever done. Because now, he can stalk this blog and know all my shit, but then again, it wasn't just him.  I fucked up aswell, in my other blog i openly admitted what i did was wrong and that i picked Kieran over the best relationship ever.

I do care about dan, i do. I also care about kieran a lot aswell, and this is where i start to get confused. I put myself on a boy dan for a reason, i just need to remember it.

Bleughhh!

Mwah

X x x

Lonely Anna

I knew coming to this party was a bad idea, i knew what would happen. Im sat in a corner, whilst everyone has conversations about people and talk about places they have been were i obviously wasn't invited too. This. These. These people aren't my friends, they have measly acquainted to me by school. There is no friendship here.

All i want to do is sit in my room were i feel safe and like i can be me. Or even better, i want to be at college in a room full of people who love me for who i am. I want to be in the workshop and nag dan to cut my wire and help me. I want to be at auntie vals with maris singing songs which make us sad. Most of all, i want to be anywhere but here.

I want to feel loved by people, not this. I dont want to have to get drunk to have a good time, i dont want that.

I just want a happy anna.

Update

I told everyone and myself i would do a blog post. Here it is. Trust me guys, i feel shit so i might finish it later.

Im so tired but ive had 9 hours sleep, my arms fesl so heavy and i just cant be bothered. This isnt the monday feeling, this is anxiety, depression and me being confused. Think of it like the ingredients for a cake, something like that.

Update update.

I secretly knew when i started off this blog post I wasn't going to finish it, and I didn't. I was feeling rubbish as you can see. But here i am, ready to tell you my super BIG news!

Drum roll please..... I PASSED MY GEN 2 TEST!

To some people that might not be massive news but, last year i appplied and I bought a book to help me and i failed by 3 points. It was heart breaking because i had my whole after school plan on it. So i carried on and went to college and re applied this year. I wasn't even going to apply, I couldnt be bothered. I never revised, was 5 minutes late, had a panic attack before hand and failed the question ' something add something equals eight' great!

Just a very quick update because i need to get ready for going out.

Check out my other blog for updates!

Love you alllllll

Mwah

X x x

I say I'm over him, but am I?

Dan. Dear god dan. I was over him, i was totally and utterly over him and I didnt give a damn. Then my friends got involved, they somehow thought they had a right to know my life. They thought. Ha. See, my friends did have a right to know and i told them, but these people aren't my friends. They brought up everything, they didn't understand. They also brought back up my feelings, maybe I wasnt over him after all.

He broke me and he hurt me in such a way, not even Kieran could sort it out. I miss him to the moon and back.

I really don't know. I'm just done.

Mwah

X x x

It's got that Monday feeling

Meh. Meh meh meh. So its monday and for the past week I've so kindly had a ear infection, so I've been off.

But.

Always a but. I have had another little visitor who has came back with a very big bite. Anxiety. Oh hello Mr I'm about to wreck your life. Again. See, my anxiety is very different to others (who I've seen). I cant concentrate, focus or basically do anything. Anything that makes me feel under pressure or like it is going to go seriously wrong is a no go.

I probably go to the doctors, tell them the story but I'm scared they wont listen. Again. I honestly feel like I'm so tired but deep down full of energy. Really, i just need to stop and start to think. For me. Not for anyone else, for Anna. I was asked who my hero was, i honestly believe it is myself.

Mwah

X x x

The harder thing

See, getting over him might be easy and you might do it really fast (providing youre half way down the process and your friends kindly bring him up and well youre back at good ol' square one.

The hardest thing is getting over him and then seeing him with another girl. Any girl. Even harder if the girls you know.. Pretty. Sering him all loved up while you cry and eat chocolate and cry some more, thats really hard.

Having no friends to talk about it because they are the ones who have made this situation so much worse is.. The worst. I never thought I'd be 17, have no friends and suffer such horrible panic attacks. But here i am. Single, 17 and my bestfriend is just turning 2.

People say i have it easy, if they just looked around the corner of my smile they would see something hideous, something called heart ache.

I just wanna leave

Mwah
X x x

Attention please

I'm doing this, i am going to type this blog post.

How fucking dare my so called friends bring this around on me. How dare they say that they are upset because i didnt tell them. Do they have idea how scared i was? To tell them that this so called friend of theirs who boaks at gays kissing and was a dick to the one friend who she needed. They thought that was easy to tell them i was going out with dan?

Then they invite me to a party and no one even fucking speaks to me! Maybe if they actually came and spoke to me prior the fucking party they wouldn't have to take up time at dinner to discuss my bastard life. I dont know why they are that bothered, maybe if they actually kept in contact with me instead of just seeing me 5 times a year we wouldn't have this. Yeah, i am the one who decided to fly from they nest because the nest was cramped and it was full of bitches of brids trying to spread out and be themselves. But now im free i can do what i want. Because i dont have one of the birds fighting down my neck ordering me to be her friend. I dont have to engage in any social interactions with them because im free.

But i do. I do make a effort to go to the parties even when i feel like crying, i do go to them even then people still in this nest aren't there but then put pictures on snapchat of them drinking. Yeah. Deffo sounds like work.

Im not looking for a fight, im not even looking for a explanation because im not going to get one. Ive been thinking hard about me, about Anna. Im not part of them, im part of a group of boys who dont even realise how much i appreciate their company. Cameron doesnt realise how much he makes my day when he skits me. Dom doesnt know how much he makes having no friends a little easier when he sings and whistles. My course doesnt even know how happy they make me.

Tomorrow is such a big day and i bet none of them even text me. Then they wonder why i dont bother.

So this is it. Im done. Dont expect me to pay an interest if you cant be fucking bothered.

Done. Sorted. Byeeee.

Mwah

X x x

Some bestfriend

Hahahaha. Some bestfriend i have.

Fuck me. Im sat here in near tears because i feel so aline and all you've got to say (or shout) is "you look like yoire having a good time)? Really? This really is my last party. I cant keep on doing this over and over again. Everyones laughing at jokes i dont understand and questioning relationships i dont know. This is no party its just a bunch of people and some how i got invited.

So much has changed since year 11 but whatever. Im not the one whos changed. Everyone else is just catching up with me.

Yeah

Finding myself

Today i had councilling and i never planned on telling anyone anything whag was said but i think its a good idea.

At the age of 12 my dad got himself into a relationship what broks my family. Emotionally and physically broke us. I never relaised how effected i was until now.

I panic. I love being in control but i panic. I suppose her way towards my dad has inflicted pain on me. I was abused. I was mentally abused and that hurts me so so much becauss i hate that im never going to have a childhood again.

I dont have fun. I never have fun. Im too old to have fun like everyone else. Im so sorry if i dont laugh at your jokes or that im not like everyone else at parties. You have to understand that my way of life is no way normal and that i wouldn't wish this way of life on anyone. You know charlottes party? I got that drunk to try and numb the pain. Zoes garden party i got that drunk so i wasnt so nervous infront of everyone. I hate getting drunk, i hate alcohol and most importantly i hate drunk anna. Whats quite sad really becauss i also hate sober anna.

I might look fine, even talk fine but im far from fine. Please just ask.

Mwah

X x x

Accepting it.. Again

So the day that i finally really accept help is tomorrow and I've never felt so neutral in my life. I dont feel excited that im going to get better but i dont feel scared. I feel nothing.

My comfort blanket is being ripped away from me and for once im going to have to dig deep to grt the truth. Telling a stranger why i feel like this and how certain things have effected me is scary. I almost feel like im a failure and that word... Mental Health. That word makes you feel so stupid and degrades you so much.

This is just a short blog post because lately ive been feeling rather tired and blegh.

Tomorrow is going to be good and i know this is what i need.

Mwah

X x x

Accepting help.

So I've done it. I've finally accepted yhe fact that i need help, that these thoughts are not right and i need someone to listen to me and not ask or tell me "it will get better".

My college is getting me sorted wiyh a councillor and for once i feel like people are trying to help me.

I need to talk about..
My grandad Dave and his death
My anxiety
Compulsive liar because thats what i am
Stress
Depression
My little voices
Dramatic mood change
Dan and kieran.. Yeah i need to talk about them

Im so scared she will refer me to someone "higher up" and that ill have to really accept that im really not well. Ill have to accept that i really have no friends and that the friends i do have.. Dont understand.

I need to get better for oscar, ive promised him the world but all i can give him is my tears. I need to get better for oscar because he doesnt deserve to be punished of a childhood i promised because im having a bad day.

Im doinv this for anna, because its about time.

Mwah

X x x

Relationship ban

I dont want to talk about whats went on in the past few days. Kierans came back and i feel like hes changed. Maybe. But anyways back to the title. My relationship ban.

Ive put myself on it purely because im not ready. I keep rushing into every relationship but i know im not well enough to cope. Im not mentally well enough to cope with the heartbreak. 6 months sounds pretty long but it will give me time to get better and try and cope with 2014.

Im going to the doctors to get help, my brain is fighting with my feelings and im getting messed up. I do need helo because before long ill end up doing something what will rip my family's heart.

Back to the ban, im aloud a sneeky snapchat with kieran aslong as he knows thats all. Just a snapchat.

Day 2 is going good, fingers crossed.

Mwah

X x x

Update- Happy New Year

I havnt wrote on here for a while and thats basically because i ended 2014 getting very drunk. No, alot has went on but today as the 1st january is my first brand new page in my 365 day planner.

My new year resolution is to lie less and blog more. I spent the early hours of this morning speaking to dan and just talking and I thought everything was okay. I even said I love you. Then I spent the whole of the 2nd obsessing over him when something very bad was going on... Dan was getting in a relationship... To a different girl. I found out that night by Facebook... My heart was once broken again and I felt the same pain I'd been covering up. I feel used and hurt and like no matter what I can do I can never get him back. I seen a quote today what said 'if it still hurts and you still think about it don't give up fighting' should I fight? Then I had the person I've been avoiding since the incident... He face booked me on Christmas Day and I didn't answer then he added me on snapchat and I didn't answer and then he whatsapped me and I took ages to answer, but I did. I could feel myself falling again and I knew I had to catch myself before it was too late. People don't understand that Kieran no matter how old I am or how hurt I am or how drunk or who I'm with, none of them things matter because to me Kieran is my Kieran. Kieran Clark is the person I will always compare my relationships too and he will always be at the back of my mind. No matter what. He is such a big part of my 2014 and I'd be stupid if I was going to try and forget about it. People can tell me all the stories they want and tell me I wasn't worth it but to me, Kieran Clark was worth every single sleepless night and every single heartache because I got the chance to spend 11 months with an amazing guy. Not a lot of people can say that.   I kicked off my new year the way I intended to and that was drunk and single. 2015 let's have ya.