Maybe it's finally time.

I've always thought that me and Dan would work, I always thought that it would be okay and everything would plan out and be fine. I was wrong, so wrong. Dans moved on, maybe too quick for my bitterness to comprehend with, but he has. Maybe it's fine for me to finally close the book of me and Dan, maybe it's finally time.

What this post is about is me moving on. There will be other boys out there, there is other boys out there. I'm almost blond to all these people because all I'm seeing is Dan. All I've seen for the past 11 months is Dan, Dan moving in and out of my life. Like he always does.

You know what's the hardest part about all of this? He's doing things with her that he never with me and I feel sort of embarrased when I say this but I feel angry at him. Why did he never post things on his story about me, little things which all add up. I don't want to sound horrible, I just want to move on.

Funny thing is I sort of knew it wouldn't work, I sort of knew that every day was a one day contract because he gets bored, he moves on, finds a new girl, fall out and we always find some reason to end up what we do best, use each other. I knew it wouldn't work in the back of my head, but my other part of my brain was screaming "give it another go, again".

I'm starting college again, with my lovely class mates, I'm starting English with hopefully lovely classmates and I'm so excited to see what is about to happen. This time last year I never even thought about Dan like that, I wasn't even his friend on Facebook. I never thought that he would change me and mould me into this girl who's scared and hurt by all his strange ways and wicked lies.

I want the best for Dan, I do, I truly do from the bottom of my heart. I want him to be happy, to find a job which makes him smile every day, I want him to be healthy and not in pain. Most of all I want us to be able to look back in 10 years time and smile at our mistakes and not take them to heart. To laugh at our arguments and for him to tell me just how annoying I really was.

I used to wish most nights that I could have Dan in my life, that I could be the one to make him happy but after 5 failed attempts I think we can say that it's over now, well and truly over. I used to wish a lot of things, maybe I wish too much. Maybe I set my bar to night and that's why I'm constantly upset when things don't go to plan. Or maybe that's it, that I always have to have a plan. Maybe I'm too forward or maybe, just maybe. Maybe I'm scared, scared of being that girl who goes of office parties alone, lives alone and is forever alone. I have all these plans, ideas and a whole bunch of ambition and I'm scared, more or less terrified that it's going to not come true.

Dans not a bad person, he isn't. As much as I slag him off, as much as I hate the fact he has a scooter and he never told me and as much as he smokes and has a stupid hair cut. He's a good person and he does have a good heart. He was the person I called when I was stuck, he was the person who was there for me when I was sad. Now I need to realise that I'm a big girl and it it nice to have a person for you. But you don't need it, I just want it. I want the attention and this is a problem I need to sort out.

Do any of you remember the start of the year when I put myself on a boy ban? I do and I remember how empowered it made me feel, how strong I felt because I was surviving life without a males attention.

Do I feel jealous of the girl? No, I don't, honestly and truthfully no. Because if it was meant to be, it wouldn't have taken 5 attempts, nothing takes that long. I believe that something, up in the starry skies was and has been testing me, making me ready for the next big thing which is about to come in my life.

They say to start a new page you have to end the chapter or something like that, I feel with this situation, Dan was more of a book. So this is the final page of the book. There will be no epilogue to recheck, simply because I won't care, not anymore.

Writing this has made me think, made me tear up and made me feel a bit sorry for becca because maybe she was just upset about seeing Dan move on, maybe she wasn't ready.

Writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, I'm finally free to move on, finally free to you know.. Get on that scene again. I'm just not sure how to do that.. Oops.

Officially it's over, for real this time. It's done.

Short and sweet.

Why anxiety sucks

So I'm sat here, on my bed, panicking. Panicking that I've wrecked everything because of some small misunderstanding. This right here is anxiety at its worse. I feel sick, my nose gets stuffy, my hands get cold but everything else gets hot and this sense of bad comes over me.

I need reassuring, I need answers to all my questions. I can't have people blanking me when it is this important. What have I done? Does he hate me? How can I make this better? I have multiple questions wishing around my head, begging for answers when I can't do it. I can't answer all the questions, in question.

I loose myself, i loose all control over my mind and body. My brain thinks it's under attack, when I'm okay. People think I make small thinks bigger, think I'm needy, annoying and persistent. Truth is, I hate being them things. I just need answers to move on to the next annoying question.

So if anyone I know is reading this, please don't think I'm being annoying, I mean sometimes I can be really annoying but that's because I want to be. I can't help this sort of annoyance. Please try and reply back, please try and just keep in mind that if we have a argument, I will panic, no matter what. I will think that this is the worst thing ever and that there is so light at the end of the tunnel.

I am sorry, I am.