I love Kieran

I love Kieran. I do. I love his addiction and i love how he can make me smile. I dont love dan, im not saying this to try and convince myself, i just dont. i have changed a lot since i last went with him and the thing what happened in feb was just a slip. we will always have history and we will always flirt but thats it.

i need to write this is everytime i feel like i want to kill dan i can read this. everytime he pops up asking to skype i can bring my head up high and not cave in. i need all my attention on kieran because he is my life, my life is kieran now and he deserves the whole me.

I LOVE MYSELF.

phew, that felt good.

thats all really

i love kieran and not dan
i love kieran and not dan

update anna; you loved dan. always dan

Bucket list

Lots of people have done this and im doing it first on here s i can do it on my main blog.

Travel to india alone
Have dinner in the effiel tower
Have something named after me
Buy some levi jeans
Go on a adventure during the night with my friends
Learn to swim
Live in germany for a year
Buy a sausage dog called fudge
Go to Disney world
Have my own business of some type
Sing in public
Go to a festival
Finish my dolls house
Sky dive
Write a letter to certain people
Be a size 12
Read a book in a day
Appear on a radio station
Buy a swimming costume
Make a new friend
Get my blog noticed
Get christened
Go back to normandy
Take oscar on holiday
Drive a Mitsubishi evo 9
Get a personalised number plate
Learn a new language
Buy a soda stream
Live in a city
Have £1000 in the bank
Go for a picnic

Love

I used the word 'love' alot in my last blog post. The post about my two ex's, and i realised that i do love them, but i also love alot of people and thats okay.

Of course i will always love kieran, probably when i get married I'll think about the what ifs. Its okay to love him, he was my first everything. I was a love struck 11 year old who fell in love with a boy, how cute is that? I dont think i will ever stop loving him,  i just dont think thats gonna happen.

Every ex gave me the chance to be someone else, to be who i wanted to be but couldn't.

I was on a boy ban, but i broke it because i started to speak to my ex again and ive broke it again. Opps. This time its not a boy.. Its a girl. Its a person who knows me the best, who gets me.. This person is called Anna. I've fallen in love with myself, not in any creepy way. Just a way that i can love myself for being me. I need to love myself before i can even think about dating a boy, or shit happens like me and kieran and that situation.

I love myself and thats okay because I'm okay.

Mwah

X x x

Moving on

Over these past few weeks I've been crying and blogging a lot, but ive also been thinking.

I love my two ex's, so very much. I love kieran as much as i did the first time i spoke to him and i love dan as much the same as the first time i kissed him.

Thats okay.

Its okay to still love them. Whats not okaybis for them to affect me as much as they have. But have they? Have they personally affected me? Honestly, no. I need to say goodbye to them. God i need to be me again.

Here goes.

Kieran. My wonderful snapchatting friend! You know how much i love you. How much you have made me well me. I know you know deep down that you never meant to hurt me. All you wanted as fun. Im so sorry for being over protected and asking silly questions. Im sorry for the fact i love you as much as i do. Because i know you dont love me as much. You do love me, i know you do. I know deep down that you do have some sort of feelings towards me. I should hate you. I really should. The point of this is for me to stop feeling so bad about the whole situation. You were my first love, always and forever. I have no regrets about that.

Dan. I hope you read this, i think you will. I really hope so. I need you to know thatbi love you. As much as yesterday but more than tomorrow. I need to move on, i need to find a person who makes me happy. At one point i thought that was you. It wasnt. I want you to be happy as much as i want to be happy. We will never work, i know this. If you didnt hate me you would have cared for me and about me. Im ready and strong enough to move on. I just want to be anna again dan. Thats all.

I deserve to be happy

"Oh anna, why didnt you say anything?" "its okay, im here for you" bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Dont you even think about trying to make me feel bad. No. I dont want to talk. I dont want to cimmunicate with anyone other then the people i live with. No. I dont want a night out because that wont solve anything.

You werent here for me when i needed you. So dont even think popping up now for a fucking catch up is going to solve this. Dont even think trying to talk to me when you can clearly fucking see thatbi dont want to speak. And most importantly, dont even think about ever bringing up my ex. Ever.

I had no one. 0 people. I was so lonely and i spent nearly all my 6 weeks alone. So now is not the time to try and make friends with me again. I texted my so called fucking friends so many times. I texted everyone asking for a meet up. What was i suppose to do? Text you saying "hi i feel like dying today so fancy a coffee?"

But this isnt about my friends not being there for me. This is about my friends thinking shit anna really isnt okay and we should helo her. No. I have dan and karl who are the most amazing boys ever. 2 friends are worth so much more than fucking cunts of my old friends. It was karl who came through and hugged me when i was crying. It was dan who convinced me to go to the doctors. But yous, yous convinced me that i had made a mistake. That i was worthless and that i had no friends. Maybe i was worthless and had no friends, maybe thatsbwhat you thought. But i knew better. I knew thatbi meant something to someone. I knew that i was going to pull round.

This goes out to everyone who lied in my leavers book. Everyone who said they would keep in touch and everyone who said they would stick by me. This goes to the friends to said drunken promises but i always kept mine, my bestfriends who slowly faded away. To the bullys and to everyone who doubted me. Tell me again thats im not worth it, i dare you.