Finding myself

Today i had councilling and i never planned on telling anyone anything whag was said but i think its a good idea.

At the age of 12 my dad got himself into a relationship what broks my family. Emotionally and physically broke us. I never relaised how effected i was until now.

I panic. I love being in control but i panic. I suppose her way towards my dad has inflicted pain on me. I was abused. I was mentally abused and that hurts me so so much becauss i hate that im never going to have a childhood again.

I dont have fun. I never have fun. Im too old to have fun like everyone else. Im so sorry if i dont laugh at your jokes or that im not like everyone else at parties. You have to understand that my way of life is no way normal and that i wouldn't wish this way of life on anyone. You know charlottes party? I got that drunk to try and numb the pain. Zoes garden party i got that drunk so i wasnt so nervous infront of everyone. I hate getting drunk, i hate alcohol and most importantly i hate drunk anna. Whats quite sad really becauss i also hate sober anna.

I might look fine, even talk fine but im far from fine. Please just ask.

Mwah

X x x

Accepting it.. Again

So the day that i finally really accept help is tomorrow and I've never felt so neutral in my life. I dont feel excited that im going to get better but i dont feel scared. I feel nothing.

My comfort blanket is being ripped away from me and for once im going to have to dig deep to grt the truth. Telling a stranger why i feel like this and how certain things have effected me is scary. I almost feel like im a failure and that word... Mental Health. That word makes you feel so stupid and degrades you so much.

This is just a short blog post because lately ive been feeling rather tired and blegh.

Tomorrow is going to be good and i know this is what i need.

Mwah

X x x

Accepting help.

So I've done it. I've finally accepted yhe fact that i need help, that these thoughts are not right and i need someone to listen to me and not ask or tell me "it will get better".

My college is getting me sorted wiyh a councillor and for once i feel like people are trying to help me.

I need to talk about..
My grandad Dave and his death
My anxiety
Compulsive liar because thats what i am
Stress
Depression
My little voices
Dramatic mood change
Dan and kieran.. Yeah i need to talk about them

Im so scared she will refer me to someone "higher up" and that ill have to really accept that im really not well. Ill have to accept that i really have no friends and that the friends i do have.. Dont understand.

I need to get better for oscar, ive promised him the world but all i can give him is my tears. I need to get better for oscar because he doesnt deserve to be punished of a childhood i promised because im having a bad day.

Im doinv this for anna, because its about time.

Mwah

X x x

Relationship ban

I dont want to talk about whats went on in the past few days. Kierans came back and i feel like hes changed. Maybe. But anyways back to the title. My relationship ban.

Ive put myself on it purely because im not ready. I keep rushing into every relationship but i know im not well enough to cope. Im not mentally well enough to cope with the heartbreak. 6 months sounds pretty long but it will give me time to get better and try and cope with 2014.

Im going to the doctors to get help, my brain is fighting with my feelings and im getting messed up. I do need helo because before long ill end up doing something what will rip my family's heart.

Back to the ban, im aloud a sneeky snapchat with kieran aslong as he knows thats all. Just a snapchat.

Day 2 is going good, fingers crossed.

Mwah

X x x

Update- Happy New Year

I havnt wrote on here for a while and thats basically because i ended 2014 getting very drunk. No, alot has went on but today as the 1st january is my first brand new page in my 365 day planner.

My new year resolution is to lie less and blog more. I spent the early hours of this morning speaking to dan and just talking and I thought everything was okay. I even said I love you. Then I spent the whole of the 2nd obsessing over him when something very bad was going on... Dan was getting in a relationship... To a different girl. I found out that night by Facebook... My heart was once broken again and I felt the same pain I'd been covering up. I feel used and hurt and like no matter what I can do I can never get him back. I seen a quote today what said 'if it still hurts and you still think about it don't give up fighting' should I fight? Then I had the person I've been avoiding since the incident... He face booked me on Christmas Day and I didn't answer then he added me on snapchat and I didn't answer and then he whatsapped me and I took ages to answer, but I did. I could feel myself falling again and I knew I had to catch myself before it was too late. People don't understand that Kieran no matter how old I am or how hurt I am or how drunk or who I'm with, none of them things matter because to me Kieran is my Kieran. Kieran Clark is the person I will always compare my relationships too and he will always be at the back of my mind. No matter what. He is such a big part of my 2014 and I'd be stupid if I was going to try and forget about it. People can tell me all the stories they want and tell me I wasn't worth it but to me, Kieran Clark was worth every single sleepless night and every single heartache because I got the chance to spend 11 months with an amazing guy. Not a lot of people can say that.   I kicked off my new year the way I intended to and that was drunk and single. 2015 let's have ya.