Hi, my names Anna and i was 16 when i found out i was pregnant. i was terrified, and like any teen mam i was scared of what people would say. me and the babies dad werent going out at this point, but it was more than a one night stand. i loved him so much and i thought this baby would fix things.
as i was terrified of the back lash of being 16 and pregnant i only told so many people, the babies dad who ill refer to as K, my mam and dad, my gran, my nanna and my immediate family. i told them not to tell a soul about it and at no point should anything be put on social media about me. if you look back at my facebook, instagram and twitter you cant find any trace of me having a baby.
the weeks flew by and slowly my bump started to show and it was getting harder and harder to cover up, i found out i was pregant on the 28th march 2014 and i was 3 weeks gone. i kept up with all my regualr scans and we decided not to find out the sex, i painted the spare bedroom a warm vanilla with purple and baby blue dots all around.
at 28 weeks i started to bleed, i rushed to the doctors and was told to go to my local hospital for a check up... i was directed into the GUM clinic and ive never felt so embrassed in my life. i was sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks, clenching on to my bump and praying to jesus that the unthinkable wasnt going to happen.. all whilst people were getting ready to have their babies killed.
i was told it was just a normal bleed and nothing was wrong, my baby has a strong heart beat and kept kicking me with its feet to let me know everything was okay. if only that was true.
apart from the morning sickness, heart burn, kanckles, cravings of chicken bakes and milky coffee it was a good pregnancy.
at 30 weeks and 1 day i woke up and it looked like i had pissed myself, everything was wet and i has this slime like gel down my leg. i was also having tingles in my lower back.. i was in labour. i screamed for my mam to come up stairs and help me out of bed and by then i was totally numb. my pains started to get worse and i didnt even relaise that my baby wasnt kicking anymore. ive never seen my mam drive a car so fast in my life, she didnt even park in a space, she parked at the doors of a and e and begged someone to help me. i remember what i was wearing that day, nike joggers and a i love london hoody, it was the only things which fit me.
i dont really know what happened next, a lot of doctors, nurses and midwives ralled around me and done the whole "youll be fine, just relax". the next part ruined my life, it broke me into a million pieces and it was just the start. as the midwife smoothed thegelly onto my bump with the machine the room went so quiet and so cold and everyone, including my mam was starring at me. all i said was, come on little one, blow mammy a kiss.
and then i knew, i knew that it was over and i knew what had happened. for some reason, for some god damn reason my babies heart beat had stopped. i wont bore you with what the doctors told me next, one because its boring to you and two because i blacked out at this point and i just wanted to go home. they told me about inducing me to start labour off but i was already in early labour at this point. all i wanted was to cuddle my baby and hope that it was going to all turn out okay.
my mam phoned everyone and told them the news, K came and for once he was the person i hoped he would be, we cried and i appologised so many times for being a shit mam. i told everyone that again, nothing was to go on social media and i didnt want to see anyone until id have given birth.
my birth was amazing, it was short and fairly painless. i didnt hear that piercing cry i wanted to hear though, although i did hear the words "Anna, its a baby boy". he had so much brown hair and he was so long. he weighed 3 pounds and 4 ounces, if he had went full term he would have been massive!
to name a child which is never going to grow up, go to school or say your name is the hardest thing in the world. he was going to be called Xander but he didnt look like a Xander, he looked like a little Tommy. so on the 4th October at 2.44pm little Tommy Taylor-Clark was born into the world.
now what did he die of? i dont know, i never wanted to find out and some may call that selfish. but when your hild dies before its even born, you just want to think that someone, somewhere said, not today Tommy. i belive more than anyone that when i have my next child, Tommy will be there, ill always tell my future kids about their big brother who lives in the sky.
having a still birth at the age of 17 was the hardest thing ive ever went through, and hardly anyone knows. i went to prom and no one clicked on, i went to the beach and told everyone i had a summer cold so i was staying in a hoody. it can either make you or break you and its made me into a stronger person who thinks that no baby is a mistake.
