Anxiety

Today i will not let my anxiety rule my life. Nor will i tomorrow, next week or next year. Simply because i wont let myself ruin my life.

I have the bestfriends
The best family
The most amazibg family
A boy who loves me
A mam who cares
And a dad who... I have a dad
I have a job what pays
A heart that still beats
And a brain what still functions
So why
Why am i letting one tiny thing win
Ruin hours of my day
And hurt me more
Why do i let me unconscious mind hurt me
I have a life what people could dream of
So today i wont let me ruin me
Today anna wins and anxiety goes down
I will be forever winning
Goodbye

Annas in a relationship.. Shit.

We (me and dan) have decided not to out a name on whats going on. All i know is that he makes me happy and i hope its the same for him. He makes me smile when all i can see is black and he makes me laugh until my tummy hurts. Hes the best yet i still feel incomplete. Because there is something you dont know about dan, something what might change the way you look at me, ill tell you later.

Okay, so i cant keep it in and there is no 'easy' way to out it. Dan is actually a girl. No, im not lesbian so dont even ask. He was born in the wrong body, a body of a girl when he is actually a man. If you see him hes a man, he talks like a man, acts like a man and lives like a man. Im attracted to dan, not him as a girl because i dont even know what his birth name is. I dont want to know because that doesnt matter. Im not ashamed of the fact hes trans im the complete opposite and i couldn't be any prouder of how strong he is.

Im terrified that when people find out they wont speak or even worse speak to me differently. Im so scared that my family wont understand and then wont accept him.

So this blog post is for you dan, ill never change the way i look at you, even when others tell me to. Love you, you spiderman freak.

Mwah
X x x

Kieran vs. Jack vs. Dan

Lets just face the facts and say it. Whatever i do, whoever im with I'll always think of kieran. Hes done it again, hes let himself back in and I've welcomed him with open arms, silly Anna.

Jacks out of the question, I've basically forgotten about him to be honest. Kind of. Its all about dan and kieran now, why cant i just have both??!

Things would be easier if my anxiety and everything was better, what it isnt. My anxiety is telling me what to do and how i should do it. Its taking more energy and will to make it stop. But it never really stops, i just mute the sound for a while but its always back. I love my life i just hate myself and sometimes because cant understand what im going through. They dont get my pain and my anger towards myself. I need my friends so much right now but i have none if them. Not one of them has text me asking how i am, they promised me to keeo in touch but they lied. I feel so left out and like everyone has forgotten about me.

How can i love others when im in destruction mode?

Mwah
X x x

Kieran vs. Jack vs. Dan

Lets just face the facts and say it. Whatever i do, whoever im with I'll always think of kieran. Hes done it again, hes let himself back in and I've welcomed him with open arms, silly Anna.

Jacks out of the question, I've basically forgotten about him to be honest. Kind of. Its all about dan and kieran now, why cant i just have both??!

Things would be easier if my anxiety and everything was better, what it isnt. My anxiety is telling me what to do and how i should do it. Its taking more energy and will to make it stop. But it never really stops, i just mute the sound for a while but its always back. I love my life i just hate myself and sometimes because cant understand what im going through. They dont get my pain and my anger towards myself. I need my friends so much right now but i have none if them. Not one of them has text me asking how i am, they promised me to keeo in touch but they lied. I feel so left out and like everyone has forgotten about me.

How can i love others when im in destruction mode?

Mwah
X x x