Anna get a grip

So someone has leaked out my blog. This blog. My thing which keeps me sane. Great.

I had no idea until this morning. When everyone was phoning me or texting me offering me support. On what? Eh? 'what you on about' i replied. Only to be shocked with the news everyone knew. Everyone had found out about my thing.

So i have some explaining to do, obviously.

Its right. The crack which is around every group chat and whatsapp group is true. I got myself in a sitaution where ibwas so scared to even tell my mam. What you dont know is that, on the night. On the most vilest night of my life. I walkes down to the shore and cried for 6 hours. I sent a single text out to kieran saying 'be good, ill love you forever. Do us proud.' he replied begging me to stop. Stop what? Living or attempting to die? Because thats what i wanted to do. Die. He rang my bestfriend and the rest was a blur. I woke up at carlisle hospital with tubes everywhere and two faces looking at me.

At that point, i realised that the most important person in my life was me.

So today, as in the 31st march 2015 im going to throw out everything. My test. My whole life for them weeks. 2014 was the worst year. I really dont know how i coped. Or even survived.

So if you see me, dont come up to me and tell me your sorry. Dont tell me youll be there for me because how many of you were there for me when i needed you? How many of you replied when i said i needed a word? Do not tell me you understand because you dont. You simply dont know. You dont know how much kieran has fucked up my life. How much he controls it without evrn knowing. He has no clue how much he has messed me up. Do you understand now?

I left school and entered a world of work where i really fucking needed friends. I needed support and i needed someone to be strong for me. I stopped being strong on that night. I didn't see a reason for me to be strong anymore. I was single, depressed and ready to die. So how Can you understand?

You lot can blame kieran, you can say he was the worst person ever but you know whos the worst person ever? You. It was kieran who i phoned at 4 am telling him how i felt and i couldnt sleep. It was him who used to text me every night to make sure i was alive. It was him who i keep alive for. How dare you say hes a bad personwhen he has never said anything about you. He never called zoe when she upset me. She never called lisa when she left me and she never called jade when she told me this whole thing was for attention. Never has he spoke nasty about any of you. But you think its okay?

This isnt okay. So carry on speaking about me but if this is the gad damn world we live in. God may have mercy.

It's time

My thing. My thing is that i never wanted to be like this. I never wanted to not be able to do normal things. I never wanted to loose all my friends because they dont understand how complex anxiety is. It isnt just me being scared of people, its me being terrified of life. Of the gym, of college, people, jobs even going to college toilets. Things you do without thinking make me tense up. Opening a door takes hours of preparing. The what ifs outstand the normal questions. I freak at the thought of opening the door the wrong way, thats not normal. I check my alarm atleast 10 times before i go to bed, thats not normal. The word normal is used to often to make people like me, feel not normal. To feel judged and to feel like there is no cure. Jade quite nastily said "there is no treatment for it" but there is. Only i can 'cure' myself. No pills like her. She has depression and anxiety where i have ocd and anxiety. Everyone is different. There is only me who understand me. This. They dont get me, they never have. I actually thought jade was there but shes got a boyfriend now so bye bye anna. I never made myself inna situation where i left my friends. Ever.

This is what i wrote on Friday. These past few weeks have been hell. Utter hell. 2 very important boys have flew in and out of my life. And i keep looking at my bastard test, because i wanted that baby. I wanted us to hsve that baby, i did. I thought things would go well. I stupidly thought. I thought that he would stay around and help me but ne got drunk. He left me when i was going through the most heart aching part of my life, and he was drunk. June 2015

I ask myself all the time how different life would have been, if things went to plan. If October 4th never happened. For a while i was stuck in this loop of looking at cots and then crying. Crying in bed because i was alone. Because no one knew apart from him.

I'll never have children. I know that. Just like some people can never walk. You adjust your life. A baby clark would have been cute, it would have been amazing but it would have also of stopped me. From being me. From me and him being us. Being 17 and knowing you cant have children of your own is horrible, But also exciting in some sick, twisted way. I will have children, 6 of them. Enna-hollie rose, sina Maria, zander david, stephan james, nia grace..

Oh mr Clark

Everytime I hear the word Kieran i smile. Not because im happy, because inside im breaking. Slowly he is once again, taking over my life.

His name on snapchat always makes me happy, but for the wrong reasons. He tried tonight and he actually thought a picture was going to make me drop my bra and knickers for him. Im very open to what we did, we used eachother or he used me. At the end of the day we both got satisfaction out of it. It really is hard to start doing it again, because it doesnt feel the same. For me to stop having feelings for him would take joe weller crossed with barry barry to walk in my life and marry me. Im just tired of feeling tired.

Meh.

Lets talk more tomorrow.

Love ya

Update on life

So i thought it would be cool to do a update on life. Most importantly life with the boys, the ex's and lets not forget; Kieran C.

Luke h.
Kieran c.
Scott kelly.
Ashley f.
Jack s.
Dan d.

Luke Andrew hold. Well we have just missed our 4 year anniversary. It has been such a long time of not speaking to him i think the last time was last year. Yeah, it was the barge pole status and me going mental at him. Happy days. He will always be the first boy i foolishly loved. Do i hate him? No, i really dont. Do i wish i done it differently? Of course, but without him i probably wouldn't of had my other relationships.

Kieran Clark. Wow. No doubt about it that hes still firmly on the scene, he still sends me snapchats at night and sometimes.. I give in. I tried it the other week and that spark had gone, i could have been speaking to anyone. I realised that a very big chunk of this blog is about kieran and how much he did affect me. You know, I'm still at that stage where he could come up to me, ask me out and i would scream yes in his face and send a snapchat of us holding hands. Not like I've thought of this or anything. Without him i wouldnt have met jack or even had the confidence of liking dan. I do still love him, I've loved him since september 2009. Thats along time.

Scott kelly. Grrr. Not lying, i did like him and i was on the verge of loving him. But for once i was on the receiving end of all these lies. The fact he had a girl friend for one! He was a nice lad, i havnt spoke to him for a very long time but he did try and add me on facebook. After be vanished and blocked me, can i just add. I didnt accept and then he blocked me again. Wow. But, if i can do a year without him and be perfectly fine. I think im okay.

Ashley Farnsworth. Hahahaha. Right. Where do i begin? This relationship was honestly the worst one yet. It was a bomb waiting to go off. He didnt like the fact that i was 16 and slept with as many people as i have. Opps. He also didnt like the fact that i had a fucking social life whilst he stroked his bike (i mean literally, not even his dick). Then one day whilst i was in art, he sent me a text saying he knew i was cheating on him because thats why i wouldnt meet him. Not the fact i have social anxiety or anything. The cunt! He also goes out with the girl who dates nearly all of my ex's. I hope they get clap and have a awful life. Cunts.

Jackkkkk! Awh man, i do miss him! He was a pain in the arse but he was funny. The skype calls, the arguing, the no i am not going to visit you and nurse your dick. Is he popped up right now i am so up for falling in love with him again. Defiantly! Hes up there with kieran and dan for the sence of love.

Which brings me nicely on to dan. Dan lee Dixon. The first ever person I've ever met within the first 2 weeks. Was he stupid? Was i stupid? Or lets be straight here, were we both abit stupid? I love him a silly amount. I do. Im sorry friends, family, im sorry dan but i love you. You broke my heart to a point where all i wanted to do was cry. Not even kieran could sort me out and i knew karl really wanted to come and punch you. With me, any boy had 3 goes (apart from kieran whos on his 13th)and you wrecked it on the last one. I honestly dont know if i could keep on doing this. Im turning 18 soon and very soon you're turning 22. Do you know how many panic attacks, sleepless nights or even how many friends i have risked for you? I would never hate you, judge you or speak nasty about you. Just right now, im not very happy with you. Last night i had a knife, but i wasnt going to let a boy ruin my legs and my heart. Not this time. Maybe its time for us both to realise that we are never going to work, ever.

So there it is everyone! My update on the boys. Yeah.

Mwah

X x x

Letting people in

I finally did what i never wanted to do. I finally let 2 people who know me the best, in my life. And i was scared, like really scared.

One of them i wasnt bothered about, he knew how much kieran had taken over my life and he was fully aware of me and dan. But, then i let dan look into my blog. He broke me, he literally broke me because for once i was all hyped up about him and not kieran, but then he vanished, he went and i was alone... Again.

For the past 3 months or longer actually my blogs are about him, they are about my friends reactions, us breaking up and making up and then me being left a little broken.

Letting dan in was the worst and best thing I've ever done. Because now, he can stalk this blog and know all my shit, but then again, it wasn't just him.  I fucked up aswell, in my other blog i openly admitted what i did was wrong and that i picked Kieran over the best relationship ever.

I do care about dan, i do. I also care about kieran a lot aswell, and this is where i start to get confused. I put myself on a boy dan for a reason, i just need to remember it.

Bleughhh!

Mwah

X x x

Lonely Anna

I knew coming to this party was a bad idea, i knew what would happen. Im sat in a corner, whilst everyone has conversations about people and talk about places they have been were i obviously wasn't invited too. This. These. These people aren't my friends, they have measly acquainted to me by school. There is no friendship here.

All i want to do is sit in my room were i feel safe and like i can be me. Or even better, i want to be at college in a room full of people who love me for who i am. I want to be in the workshop and nag dan to cut my wire and help me. I want to be at auntie vals with maris singing songs which make us sad. Most of all, i want to be anywhere but here.

I want to feel loved by people, not this. I dont want to have to get drunk to have a good time, i dont want that.

I just want a happy anna.

Update

I told everyone and myself i would do a blog post. Here it is. Trust me guys, i feel shit so i might finish it later.

Im so tired but ive had 9 hours sleep, my arms fesl so heavy and i just cant be bothered. This isnt the monday feeling, this is anxiety, depression and me being confused. Think of it like the ingredients for a cake, something like that.

Update update.

I secretly knew when i started off this blog post I wasn't going to finish it, and I didn't. I was feeling rubbish as you can see. But here i am, ready to tell you my super BIG news!

Drum roll please..... I PASSED MY GEN 2 TEST!

To some people that might not be massive news but, last year i appplied and I bought a book to help me and i failed by 3 points. It was heart breaking because i had my whole after school plan on it. So i carried on and went to college and re applied this year. I wasn't even going to apply, I couldnt be bothered. I never revised, was 5 minutes late, had a panic attack before hand and failed the question ' something add something equals eight' great!

Just a very quick update because i need to get ready for going out.

Check out my other blog for updates!

Love you alllllll

Mwah

X x x

I say I'm over him, but am I?

Dan. Dear god dan. I was over him, i was totally and utterly over him and I didnt give a damn. Then my friends got involved, they somehow thought they had a right to know my life. They thought. Ha. See, my friends did have a right to know and i told them, but these people aren't my friends. They brought up everything, they didn't understand. They also brought back up my feelings, maybe I wasnt over him after all.

He broke me and he hurt me in such a way, not even Kieran could sort it out. I miss him to the moon and back.

I really don't know. I'm just done.

Mwah

X x x

It's got that Monday feeling

Meh. Meh meh meh. So its monday and for the past week I've so kindly had a ear infection, so I've been off.

But.

Always a but. I have had another little visitor who has came back with a very big bite. Anxiety. Oh hello Mr I'm about to wreck your life. Again. See, my anxiety is very different to others (who I've seen). I cant concentrate, focus or basically do anything. Anything that makes me feel under pressure or like it is going to go seriously wrong is a no go.

I probably go to the doctors, tell them the story but I'm scared they wont listen. Again. I honestly feel like I'm so tired but deep down full of energy. Really, i just need to stop and start to think. For me. Not for anyone else, for Anna. I was asked who my hero was, i honestly believe it is myself.

Mwah

X x x