It's time

My thing. My thing is that i never wanted to be like this. I never wanted to not be able to do normal things. I never wanted to loose all my friends because they dont understand how complex anxiety is. It isnt just me being scared of people, its me being terrified of life. Of the gym, of college, people, jobs even going to college toilets. Things you do without thinking make me tense up. Opening a door takes hours of preparing. The what ifs outstand the normal questions. I freak at the thought of opening the door the wrong way, thats not normal. I check my alarm atleast 10 times before i go to bed, thats not normal. The word normal is used to often to make people like me, feel not normal. To feel judged and to feel like there is no cure. Jade quite nastily said "there is no treatment for it" but there is. Only i can 'cure' myself. No pills like her. She has depression and anxiety where i have ocd and anxiety. Everyone is different. There is only me who understand me. This. They dont get me, they never have. I actually thought jade was there but shes got a boyfriend now so bye bye anna. I never made myself inna situation where i left my friends. Ever.

This is what i wrote on Friday. These past few weeks have been hell. Utter hell. 2 very important boys have flew in and out of my life. And i keep looking at my bastard test, because i wanted that baby. I wanted us to hsve that baby, i did. I thought things would go well. I stupidly thought. I thought that he would stay around and help me but ne got drunk. He left me when i was going through the most heart aching part of my life, and he was drunk. June 2015

I ask myself all the time how different life would have been, if things went to plan. If October 4th never happened. For a while i was stuck in this loop of looking at cots and then crying. Crying in bed because i was alone. Because no one knew apart from him.

I'll never have children. I know that. Just like some people can never walk. You adjust your life. A baby clark would have been cute, it would have been amazing but it would have also of stopped me. From being me. From me and him being us. Being 17 and knowing you cant have children of your own is horrible, But also exciting in some sick, twisted way. I will have children, 6 of them. Enna-hollie rose, sina Maria, zander david, stephan james, nia grace..