My still birth story.

Hi, my names Anna and i was 16 when i found out i was pregnant. i was terrified, and like any teen mam i was scared of what people would say. me and the babies dad werent going out at this point, but it was more than a one night stand. i loved him so much and i thought this baby would fix things.

as i was terrified of the back lash of being 16 and pregnant i only told so many people, the babies dad who ill refer to as K, my mam and dad, my gran, my nanna and my immediate family. i told them not to tell a soul about it and at no point should anything be put on social media about me. if you look back at my facebook, instagram and twitter you cant find any trace of me having a baby.

the weeks flew by and slowly my bump started to show and it was getting harder and harder to cover up, i found out i was pregant on the 28th march 2014 and i was 3 weeks gone. i kept up with all my regualr scans and we decided not to find out the sex, i painted the spare bedroom a warm vanilla with purple and baby blue dots all around.

at 28 weeks i started to bleed, i rushed to the doctors and was told to go to my local hospital for a check up... i was directed into the GUM clinic and ive never felt so embrassed in my life. i was sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks, clenching on to my bump and praying to jesus that the unthinkable wasnt going to happen.. all whilst people were getting ready to have their babies killed.

i was told it was just a normal bleed and nothing was wrong, my baby has a strong heart beat and kept kicking me with its feet to let me know everything was okay. if only that was true.

apart from the morning sickness, heart burn, kanckles, cravings of chicken bakes and milky coffee it was a good pregnancy.

at 30 weeks and 1 day i woke up and it looked like i had pissed myself, everything was wet and i has this slime like gel down my leg. i was also having tingles in my lower back.. i was in labour. i screamed for my mam to come up stairs and help me out of bed and by then i was totally numb. my pains started to get worse and i didnt even relaise that my baby wasnt kicking anymore. ive never seen my mam drive a car so fast in my life, she didnt even park in a space, she parked at the doors of a and e and begged someone to help me. i remember what i was wearing that day, nike joggers and a i love london hoody, it was the only things which fit me.

i dont really know what happened next, a lot of doctors, nurses and midwives ralled around me and done the whole "youll be fine, just relax". the next part ruined my life, it broke me into a million pieces and it was just the start. as the midwife smoothed thegelly onto my bump with the machine the room went so quiet and so cold and everyone, including my mam was starring at me. all i said was, come on little one, blow mammy a kiss.

and then i knew, i knew that it was over and i knew what had happened. for some reason, for some god damn reason my babies heart beat had stopped. i wont bore you with what the doctors told me next, one because its boring to you and two because i blacked out at this point and i just wanted to go home. they told me about inducing me to start labour off but i was already in early labour at this point. all i wanted was to cuddle my baby and hope that it was going to all turn out okay.

my mam phoned everyone and told them the news, K came and for once he was the person i hoped he would be, we cried and i appologised so many times for being a shit mam. i told everyone that again, nothing was to go on social media and i didnt want to see anyone until id have given birth.

my birth was amazing, it was short and fairly painless. i didnt hear that piercing cry i wanted to hear though, although i did hear the words "Anna, its a baby boy". he had so much brown hair and he was so long. he weighed 3 pounds and 4 ounces, if he had went full term he would have been massive!

to name a child which is never going to grow up, go to school or say your name is the hardest thing in the world. he was going to be called Xander but he didnt look like a Xander, he looked like a little Tommy. so on the 4th October at 2.44pm little Tommy Taylor-Clark was born into the world.

now what did he die of? i dont know, i never wanted to find out and some may call that selfish. but when your hild dies before its even born, you just want to think that someone, somewhere said, not today Tommy. i belive more than anyone that when i have my next child, Tommy will be there, ill always tell my future kids about their big brother who lives in the sky.

having a still birth at the age of 17 was the hardest thing ive ever went through, and hardly anyone knows. i went to prom and no one clicked on, i went to the beach and told everyone i had a summer cold so i was staying in a hoody. it can either make you or break you and its made me into a stronger person who thinks that no baby is a mistake.

Maybe it's finally time.

I've always thought that me and Dan would work, I always thought that it would be okay and everything would plan out and be fine. I was wrong, so wrong. Dans moved on, maybe too quick for my bitterness to comprehend with, but he has. Maybe it's fine for me to finally close the book of me and Dan, maybe it's finally time.

What this post is about is me moving on. There will be other boys out there, there is other boys out there. I'm almost blond to all these people because all I'm seeing is Dan. All I've seen for the past 11 months is Dan, Dan moving in and out of my life. Like he always does.

You know what's the hardest part about all of this? He's doing things with her that he never with me and I feel sort of embarrased when I say this but I feel angry at him. Why did he never post things on his story about me, little things which all add up. I don't want to sound horrible, I just want to move on.

Funny thing is I sort of knew it wouldn't work, I sort of knew that every day was a one day contract because he gets bored, he moves on, finds a new girl, fall out and we always find some reason to end up what we do best, use each other. I knew it wouldn't work in the back of my head, but my other part of my brain was screaming "give it another go, again".

I'm starting college again, with my lovely class mates, I'm starting English with hopefully lovely classmates and I'm so excited to see what is about to happen. This time last year I never even thought about Dan like that, I wasn't even his friend on Facebook. I never thought that he would change me and mould me into this girl who's scared and hurt by all his strange ways and wicked lies.

I want the best for Dan, I do, I truly do from the bottom of my heart. I want him to be happy, to find a job which makes him smile every day, I want him to be healthy and not in pain. Most of all I want us to be able to look back in 10 years time and smile at our mistakes and not take them to heart. To laugh at our arguments and for him to tell me just how annoying I really was.

I used to wish most nights that I could have Dan in my life, that I could be the one to make him happy but after 5 failed attempts I think we can say that it's over now, well and truly over. I used to wish a lot of things, maybe I wish too much. Maybe I set my bar to night and that's why I'm constantly upset when things don't go to plan. Or maybe that's it, that I always have to have a plan. Maybe I'm too forward or maybe, just maybe. Maybe I'm scared, scared of being that girl who goes of office parties alone, lives alone and is forever alone. I have all these plans, ideas and a whole bunch of ambition and I'm scared, more or less terrified that it's going to not come true.

Dans not a bad person, he isn't. As much as I slag him off, as much as I hate the fact he has a scooter and he never told me and as much as he smokes and has a stupid hair cut. He's a good person and he does have a good heart. He was the person I called when I was stuck, he was the person who was there for me when I was sad. Now I need to realise that I'm a big girl and it it nice to have a person for you. But you don't need it, I just want it. I want the attention and this is a problem I need to sort out.

Do any of you remember the start of the year when I put myself on a boy ban? I do and I remember how empowered it made me feel, how strong I felt because I was surviving life without a males attention.

Do I feel jealous of the girl? No, I don't, honestly and truthfully no. Because if it was meant to be, it wouldn't have taken 5 attempts, nothing takes that long. I believe that something, up in the starry skies was and has been testing me, making me ready for the next big thing which is about to come in my life.

They say to start a new page you have to end the chapter or something like that, I feel with this situation, Dan was more of a book. So this is the final page of the book. There will be no epilogue to recheck, simply because I won't care, not anymore.

Writing this has made me think, made me tear up and made me feel a bit sorry for becca because maybe she was just upset about seeing Dan move on, maybe she wasn't ready.

Writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, I'm finally free to move on, finally free to you know.. Get on that scene again. I'm just not sure how to do that.. Oops.

Officially it's over, for real this time. It's done.

Short and sweet.

Why anxiety sucks

So I'm sat here, on my bed, panicking. Panicking that I've wrecked everything because of some small misunderstanding. This right here is anxiety at its worse. I feel sick, my nose gets stuffy, my hands get cold but everything else gets hot and this sense of bad comes over me.

I need reassuring, I need answers to all my questions. I can't have people blanking me when it is this important. What have I done? Does he hate me? How can I make this better? I have multiple questions wishing around my head, begging for answers when I can't do it. I can't answer all the questions, in question.

I loose myself, i loose all control over my mind and body. My brain thinks it's under attack, when I'm okay. People think I make small thinks bigger, think I'm needy, annoying and persistent. Truth is, I hate being them things. I just need answers to move on to the next annoying question.

So if anyone I know is reading this, please don't think I'm being annoying, I mean sometimes I can be really annoying but that's because I want to be. I can't help this sort of annoyance. Please try and reply back, please try and just keep in mind that if we have a argument, I will panic, no matter what. I will think that this is the worst thing ever and that there is so light at the end of the tunnel.

I am sorry, I am.

I had an abortion and I'm not scared anymore.

I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face because in two weeks time it's my due date. My due date which will never come and I chose that to happen. I chose to do that.

I was in a relationship with a guy who I loved and still love. I had to ask myself was I ready to bring another life into this world when we were kids? I don't regret falling pregnant with him, because maybe if we were older and wiser and a little bit more in love, maybe it would have worked. Maybe it would have all planned out and I would have had a baby bump.

But it didn't.

I was never ready, I was never ready to tell Lisa of all people. I broke down, told her everything and made sure that she knew it was the right thing for me. Even when I wasn't sure. I was going through all of this and I was still worrying about others.

I sometimes forget and rub my belly or I look at baby clothes. Pick out names and arrange god parents for a child that will never be born.

I had an abortion and I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared because I done the most selfish thing I could have done, but I done it for the baby. Not me or Kieran or anyone else. Imagine it's life, no baby would have changed me and Kieran and he would still speak to her. It would have separate homes and separate families which have never met.

People will ask why I got pregnant if I couldn't handle it and I get it, judge me all you want. But, deep down I thought it would fix things. I thought it would have things better and for things to be perfect again. I never tricked him into it, I told him my intentions and why I wanted it.nit was very much a planned occurance. Just one which turned out to be.. Unwanted. No, not unwanted but unwanted at this time. If I could some how freeze that baby and re implant it when I'm older, wiser and stronger I would have. But I can't.

I'm anna and I had an abortion at 17. And I cried because I was in pain and I cried because I knew it was over. It was over between me and Kieran and it was over between me and my abortion baby.

And people will judge me because of what happened with T, i couldnt do it. im sat here, in a hospital bed and i feel shit. i done what was bes for me, im not ready to have a baby, not with kieran... ever with kieran. so judge me, because ive heard it all before.

He told me he never cared, that all I was, was a pair of boobs and basically a sex doll. Yet I still love him. I love him because he makes me feel half full instead of half empty. Something which you and me will never understand.

I'm not scared of my demons anymore, they don't come and find me. I'm not scared that I won't be accepted when I have a baby because I know I will. More of all, I'm not scared that I failed as a person and as a daughter. If anything I have succeeded.

Im loosing him and it hurts.

ive fell back in doing what i do best, falling in love with dan. and i know i shouldnt, i know i should have left it and never have even messaged him back. but i did, of course i did. of course i messaged him back and made him my number one priority, i always do.

it hurts more than anything because i can feel him slipping out of my hands and then i will be left alone, again. we arent going out, and im not even sure if we are talking. what are we? im just there, waiting for him to come back. i feel like crying and never even talking to him again, but i cant. i said this about kieran and im still back there. im still wanting him.

sometimes i think to myself that im probably better off staying in bed, alone.

i cant do this, i cant be doing this. i cant do this to myself.

im so stupid for falling for him again.

Dear Kieran.

Kieran, i have loved you since year 7 and not much has changed. apart from myself, who has changed massively. im writing this on here because i know you wont ever read it, so i can really say what i want.

you took a part of my that i wish i saved for someone who loved me, not the attention. i cannot forgive myself for what i did and i know you will never forgive me. i was 16 kieran, i was scared. im so sorry that i never told you until it was too late. i am so sorry that i broke your heart, but you also broke mine and you never said sorry.

you will always be my special boy, you will always be my first time for everything and most of all, you will always be my friend. i should hate ou, i should want to kill you and trust me, it has crossed my mind. i should be able to walk down a street and not be reminded of you, but now i realised how much stuff we actually did together. how many memories we created and how many happy times we had. do you remember on our first date when you fell right on your arse and tried to act cool? i was still giggling about that 4 years on. do you remember when i used to call you a human calculator because you can answer most math questions?

we both know deep down that we need to move on, that we need to become two separate people. ill always bump into you at parties, and it probably will be strange seeing you on the other side of the room with a girl. im trying so hard to move on from you, im trying to speak to this boy who i really do like and you two would get on great, but i think it would be a bit strange if you were friends. i know you hate the idea of me sleeping with another guy and trust me, i hate the idea of you sleeping with another girl and having some strange girls hair slips around your room. i dont like the fact that there will be someone who wears your jumpers and sleeps on my side of the bed. there will be another girl who meets your mam and dad. a couple of months ago i would have tried anything to make us work, trust me, anything. i was prepared to move all around the world to be happy with you.

i dont know why we didnt work, i really dont. i dont k ow why we used to argue over who was wearing a onesie because it was always too hot in bed with two on. i dont know why we used to get a shower first because we always used to just share anyways.

most of all, i dont know why you stopped loving me and went back to her. because that hurt. the day i found out, when lisa took me for a costa and i knew. i knew it was over because she had tears in her eyes kieran. she just told me what she seen, you know at that party i never went because i thought we would enjoy a night with the lads. you didnt tell me that there was half of my year there and her. i have such big trust issues because of you, i cant trust a boy. i will always think that they will just go away and move on. if they dont text back, it means they are cheating. when all it could mean is that they are watching oitnb. i dont trust dan and he probably doesnt trust me. i dont trust any boy because of you. do you see how fucked up that is?

so thank you, from the bottom of my heart for making me feel like shit, for making me feel worthless, for making me paranoid about everything. thank you so very much for making each relationship that bit harder. thank you for making me self conscious about my boobs, now i hate showing them off. thank you for making me scared to wear vests because my arms are too big. thank you for making me feel utterly disgusting and then telling me i was 'over reacting'. thank you for showing me up at a family party, thank you for getting shit faced at your cousins birthday, that was a nice first time meeting all the family. thank you for making my mam hate every boy i will ever talk to, shes doing brill, thanks for asking. thank you for leaving me when i was crying, because i had just found out my mam had c. thank you for not being there when i needed a cuddle. thank you for that valentines present which was hers from thr year before, heres a tip for you, its under your bed. thank you for not coming my prom even though you promised. thank you for saying i dressed like a freak, just because i refused to wear a short skirt and a crop top. thank you for making me truly believe every boy will treat me like this. thank you for coming to appleby and being such a embarrassment to all my family by calling them such horrible names. its a good job they can take a 'joke'.

most of all, thank you for being in my life since 2009, because without you, i have no idea where i would be.

do you see? do you see what you have done? im broken kieran, i dont even know if anyone can ever fix me.

update

i feel like i should do a intro, but this is my space and i can do what i want. so ignore the lack of capital letters.

i havnt wrote on here for a while, months in fact. i have been so busy with my other blog i have forgot to blog about me. anna.

so whats happened? i could lie and come up with loads of stories, but relaistically, naff all. i fell out with kieran, well we didnt fall out. he just stopped. in my last posts i went on about that the spark had went. i was just like a chore instead of something i enjoyed doing. if you can class as sending nudes 7 days a week as enjoyable. we didnt say anything, i think we just both relaised we didnt have that connection anymore. i mean, i would always go back. always. as much as he pisses me off with the 'i wanna shag u' shit. i porbably havnt gotten over him. and if he is anything like the luke hold effect, i will probably be still loving him when i get married.

so i didnt get inot gen 2. i told my dad i did, maybe he would be proud of me. yes i lied but i wanted a reaction. he said well done, thats all. i am sick of him. im sick of claire being my dads twin. i want to spend time with him, i want to actually know my own dad. i dont want to know claire. then everyone brings up james, that was different. i have spent my whole life with my mam. it really hurts me to say this, but james is more of a dad to me than my own dad will ever be. he hugs me when i cry, washes my knickers, cooks me food and provides a roof over my head. i get that my dad doesnt live with me, i get that he is essentally a weed end dad. but that doesnt mean that he has to give up on me. because its always me who phones him, its always me who asks where he is. im fed up of trying and not even getting a reaction. im sick of being 17 and not even knowing my own dad. most off all, im sick of my dad not having a voice.

i feel like because i havnt blogged for ages, i have so much to say and so little time. my anxiety took a funny turn, im okay but its just strange. i cant cross a road of the lights are already green. i have no clue when this started, it just happened. i feel like i can going to get ran over. i have to wait, and in carlisle you can see the problem. the fact that there is hundereds of traffic lights.

well i think this is enough for today. i feel better now i have some stuff off my chest.

love, anna x