How can anyone love me

I've been putting this off purely because I k ow I'm going to get upset over it, and then because my anxiety has just made me feel really tired and every time I do something I give up. But it's time to kick anxieties arse!

How can anyone love me when I don't even love myself? How can anyone honestly say I am everything they have been looking for when I can't even look at my self in the mirror anymore? I have scars, I have spots and I'm fat. Why would anyone want to love a person like me? Do they feel sorry for me? Is that it, do I get the sympathy love?

I thought all these things and I still do now, every day in the back if my mind. I push them further aside hoping they will disappear but they never do..

The thing is I fell in love more than once. I fell in love pretty deep only once but once was enough. Because it changed me. It made me feel loved? Because for once I was being loved not hoping for love. He would tell me how beautiful I was and our future together, we would talk about houses and other stuff. For nearly 3 years.. on and off and on and off, over and over again. Each time I would feel loved.. then worthless, over and over again. But for them fee happy months the impossible was happening and I done everything to hold on to them good times.
But I fell in love again... this time it was different. I didn't feel as lived as the first time, purely because this was more full on. I know for a fact he did love me, lots and he wanted to be with me.. but I didn't live myself around him. I couldn't love myself around him because I didn't have that equal love. I got threw in the deep end and I can't swim, I was drowning in all this love... But feeling numb.

I'll hold my hands up, I was speaking to two boys at the same time, but they were totally different types of love. Because one of them said some pretty vile things about me, but he doesn't know I know. My home town is a small place and by god I know a lot of people. The only control I had in that relationship was ending in, he had the power to love me and show me love. But I was frozen by then.

Then we had the other one, the one that got away. He made me feel amazing and for once in my life I could be me! He didn't want to buy a house he wanted to buy a car. I really did think I loved him but and I still think I do. When someone mentions his name, but not necessarily his name, I still feel that pang of hurt and betrayal. The thing is about this one was he wanted to be with me, but I couldn't after what he told me. His girlfriend had lost their baby, just 2 weeks ago and there he was speaking to me. If he can do it once he can do it twice. Then when I sent that last message... boom! He was gone, I was blocked. But I don't think it was him, it was his girlfriend.. how am I meant to love myself when I'm getting shared love? Was I not good enough for them,

I've been hurt many times, one of then times I didn't mention.. because it's still going on. Do I love myself now? Slowly but surely yes. But this time I'm doing it for me, Anna. The 16 year old heart breaker!

Peace and love, be careful who you love Because they might not always love you back.

Mwah
X x x

Future ideas...

So I'm one of these people who can't just focus on one thing, like every one else. I love writing. I love making things sound better than expected and most importantly I love making people feel emotions by reading my stuff. I use words what people understand because I use the type of language I would say and speak.

So getting down to it. I was thinking about starting a book about me, my life as a student with a single mam. My journey and everything that followed. Obviously it wouldn't be me, it would be my character. I want to tell people how I coped with everything what has happened and how I felt.

So a few things I could talk about is

Deaths of my Grandfather's
Mam getting married
Oscar being born
Claire
School
Weight
Boys
Friends
Family
And myself, Anna.

Nothing's final yet and I'm still just thinking, I dunno, I'm just not sure.

Let me think

Mwah
X x x

Guess who done it??

Today was the most scariest days of my life. Today was the day I found out my exam results and I was so nervous I was borderline being sick.

I kept having dreams and I'd convinced myself that I had failed english. Even writing this is making me well up because for so long I've been branded the "okay" child, for so long I've been told my English is terrible. WELL GUESS WHAT FUCKERS!! I GOT A B IN ENGLISH. I've never been more proud of myself ever, I was really poorly when I done some exams and my English so I was super surprised.

I done them exams for me, because if I can do that I can do so much better in my future. Today is just the start if my journey.

Moral of this is, if you out your heart and soul in to it and give it your best. You can conquer anything.

Mwah
X x x

Dear 26 year old Anna

Dear Anna Taylor,

This is you speaking, we are 16 right now, our birthday is next month and on Thursday we find out our exam results. Did we do well? Hopefully by the time you're your age you have become a fully qualified engineer designer? Or did you go with nagging nanna and become a nurse and shock everyone? Is Nanna even still alive?

What happened with you and kieran? Are we married, because that would be pretty weird. If so, did Zoe cone to the wedding? What about Luke, do you still speak? I hope not, he hurt us so much and I know you still think about him. Or did you meet someone at college and totally fall in live like we used to dream at night?

Have you got children yet? Have you followed the plan (remember I want 6). Are Claire and my dad still together, remember to really put your foot down because SHE IS NOT BEING OUR KIDS "GRAN". So which one of my year have died with a over dose? Or have got 12 kids and one called "chloe-anne-Leigh Mae Smith or whatever?

There is so many questions I want to ask you, but times have seriously changed since now. Do you still blog? Just remember that you once had a blackberry so don't judge anyone. Who's in the charts? Lady gaga still around? What about justin beiber (spelt it wrong havnt i?) Also, where are you living? Nice city apartment or cosy cottage in the country side?

Love life, remember who you were when you were 16, that little girl. I know you want to forget about all them nights sitting in bed, crying because we were to scared to go out. All them kissed parties, but we have bigger and better now, don't be afraid to speak out, start telling people and stop being so nice! News flash people took advantage of us! Can you still remember "nanna anna" they day you left school and she went into retirement?

So I'll see you soon, don't read this until 19th August 2024, or else.

Send love to everyone, start remembering the good times.

Good luck because boy are you going to need it.

Anna Taylor
16 years old
38 Harrington road
CA14 3ED

x x x

Angry Anna

So I havnt posted for a while and that's because I've been on holiday (if you count London as a holiday). I'll go a blog post on that another day.

The situation I want to address is very close to my heart. I've been trying to think of a way to nicely put it. But I'm so angry, there is no nice way.

I don't care what anyone says, calling someone fat, or worthless because they are heavier than a average person is so wrong. I'm not going to say "every girl is beautiful in their own right" because this blog post is dedicated to me, Anna.

All my life I have been told that I am fat.. by my own family. My own flesh and blood thought it would be a good idea to drill it into my head that I was fat. That I needed to slim down. News paper after news paper of story clippings of little girls slimming down, I believed it. I believed that I was fat. But, the part that gets me is, I was categorised fat, but they carried on giving me whole cherry pies and cream cakes, they carried on stocking up the crisp cupboard, they carried on brain washing me, telling me I was fat.

When I was 8, I started to wonder, why was it only me that was getting called fat in my family. Why was it only be who was given whole cherry pies. I found the answer a few months back. I wasn't. I looked round my family and every single one of them was "fat" some of my cousins were "fat" so why me? Because they knew I would believe them? Because I was vulnerable?

Being called fat by my family didn't lead me just to comfort eat and pile on the pounds, but I would constantly hear "just have one cream cake" or "there's pudding in the fridge" it also left me with really bad self esteem issues and panic attacks, if my own family was calling me fat, what was everyone else thinking? I started to get really paranoid about everything.

Does anyone realise what they have actually done to me? The once confident little girl has gone and she's never coming back, that little girl went a very long time ago. Does anyone realise when you get told time after time what you look like you have out on weight, that it hurts? Has anyone even thought about how it might of made me feel? When people are talking about you, while you are in the kitchen? Does anyone even care about how I felt? Did that ever cross anyone's minds?

I thought prom was going to be magical, and I really felt utterly shit. I felt fat, I felt orange, I hated my hair and I was sat on a table with people who made me feel so uncomfortable being me. How is that okay? "Aye, Anna's okay, she's thick skinned" is she okay? Have you asked her, because I'm pretty sure if you do, it's a whole different story.

Being my type of fat isn't a choice. I got brainwashed into it, I will always be the fat cousin even when I do finally get to my target weight. The Taylor's need to realise I'm not a target any more, I have the gun now, and shots are going to get fired.

Mwah
X x x

WORKK

So I'm officially employed. Not going to lie, I was rather gutted. I'd just spent 5 weeks if my life getting up in the afternoon and eating rather a lot of food. Now I get up at 8 or 9 or even 6:50. But it's money in the bank and keeps me from eating the fridge.

I wasn't expecting it to be this hard, I honestly wasn't. How hard can serving customers be? Very hard. You never stop. But I cannot fault the team because they truly are amazing. No matter how many times I ask "where's the steak bakes?" Or "what sandwich is this?" They always answer and we have a laugh. And good news, I now hate sausage rolls, I've seen the grease😒

Apart from the fact I don't eat for 5 hours and then feel sick, or the fact my once beautiful nails are no more, in having a great time!

I'll write another blog post tonight, I have gossip

Mwah
X x x