How can anyone love me

I've been putting this off purely because I k ow I'm going to get upset over it, and then because my anxiety has just made me feel really tired and every time I do something I give up. But it's time to kick anxieties arse!

How can anyone love me when I don't even love myself? How can anyone honestly say I am everything they have been looking for when I can't even look at my self in the mirror anymore? I have scars, I have spots and I'm fat. Why would anyone want to love a person like me? Do they feel sorry for me? Is that it, do I get the sympathy love?

I thought all these things and I still do now, every day in the back if my mind. I push them further aside hoping they will disappear but they never do..

The thing is I fell in love more than once. I fell in love pretty deep only once but once was enough. Because it changed me. It made me feel loved? Because for once I was being loved not hoping for love. He would tell me how beautiful I was and our future together, we would talk about houses and other stuff. For nearly 3 years.. on and off and on and off, over and over again. Each time I would feel loved.. then worthless, over and over again. But for them fee happy months the impossible was happening and I done everything to hold on to them good times.
But I fell in love again... this time it was different. I didn't feel as lived as the first time, purely because this was more full on. I know for a fact he did love me, lots and he wanted to be with me.. but I didn't live myself around him. I couldn't love myself around him because I didn't have that equal love. I got threw in the deep end and I can't swim, I was drowning in all this love... But feeling numb.

I'll hold my hands up, I was speaking to two boys at the same time, but they were totally different types of love. Because one of them said some pretty vile things about me, but he doesn't know I know. My home town is a small place and by god I know a lot of people. The only control I had in that relationship was ending in, he had the power to love me and show me love. But I was frozen by then.

Then we had the other one, the one that got away. He made me feel amazing and for once in my life I could be me! He didn't want to buy a house he wanted to buy a car. I really did think I loved him but and I still think I do. When someone mentions his name, but not necessarily his name, I still feel that pang of hurt and betrayal. The thing is about this one was he wanted to be with me, but I couldn't after what he told me. His girlfriend had lost their baby, just 2 weeks ago and there he was speaking to me. If he can do it once he can do it twice. Then when I sent that last message... boom! He was gone, I was blocked. But I don't think it was him, it was his girlfriend.. how am I meant to love myself when I'm getting shared love? Was I not good enough for them,

I've been hurt many times, one of then times I didn't mention.. because it's still going on. Do I love myself now? Slowly but surely yes. But this time I'm doing it for me, Anna. The 16 year old heart breaker!

Peace and love, be careful who you love Because they might not always love you back.

Mwah
X x x