ive fell back in doing what i do best, falling in love with dan. and i know i shouldnt, i know i should have left it and never have even messaged him back. but i did, of course i did. of course i messaged him back and made him my number one priority, i always do.
it hurts more than anything because i can feel him slipping out of my hands and then i will be left alone, again. we arent going out, and im not even sure if we are talking. what are we? im just there, waiting for him to come back. i feel like crying and never even talking to him again, but i cant. i said this about kieran and im still back there. im still wanting him.
sometimes i think to myself that im probably better off staying in bed, alone.
i cant do this, i cant be doing this. i cant do this to myself.
im so stupid for falling for him again.
Thursday, 18 June 2015
Saturday, 13 June 2015
Dear Kieran.
Kieran, i have loved you since year 7 and not much has changed. apart from myself, who has changed massively. im writing this on here because i know you wont ever read it, so i can really say what i want.
you took a part of my that i wish i saved for someone who loved me, not the attention. i cannot forgive myself for what i did and i know you will never forgive me. i was 16 kieran, i was scared. im so sorry that i never told you until it was too late. i am so sorry that i broke your heart, but you also broke mine and you never said sorry.
you will always be my special boy, you will always be my first time for everything and most of all, you will always be my friend. i should hate ou, i should want to kill you and trust me, it has crossed my mind. i should be able to walk down a street and not be reminded of you, but now i realised how much stuff we actually did together. how many memories we created and how many happy times we had. do you remember on our first date when you fell right on your arse and tried to act cool? i was still giggling about that 4 years on. do you remember when i used to call you a human calculator because you can answer most math questions?
we both know deep down that we need to move on, that we need to become two separate people. ill always bump into you at parties, and it probably will be strange seeing you on the other side of the room with a girl. im trying so hard to move on from you, im trying to speak to this boy who i really do like and you two would get on great, but i think it would be a bit strange if you were friends. i know you hate the idea of me sleeping with another guy and trust me, i hate the idea of you sleeping with another girl and having some strange girls hair slips around your room. i dont like the fact that there will be someone who wears your jumpers and sleeps on my side of the bed. there will be another girl who meets your mam and dad. a couple of months ago i would have tried anything to make us work, trust me, anything. i was prepared to move all around the world to be happy with you.
i dont know why we didnt work, i really dont. i dont k ow why we used to argue over who was wearing a onesie because it was always too hot in bed with two on. i dont know why we used to get a shower first because we always used to just share anyways.
most of all, i dont know why you stopped loving me and went back to her. because that hurt. the day i found out, when lisa took me for a costa and i knew. i knew it was over because she had tears in her eyes kieran. she just told me what she seen, you know at that party i never went because i thought we would enjoy a night with the lads. you didnt tell me that there was half of my year there and her. i have such big trust issues because of you, i cant trust a boy. i will always think that they will just go away and move on. if they dont text back, it means they are cheating. when all it could mean is that they are watching oitnb. i dont trust dan and he probably doesnt trust me. i dont trust any boy because of you. do you see how fucked up that is?
so thank you, from the bottom of my heart for making me feel like shit, for making me feel worthless, for making me paranoid about everything. thank you so very much for making each relationship that bit harder. thank you for making me self conscious about my boobs, now i hate showing them off. thank you for making me scared to wear vests because my arms are too big. thank you for making me feel utterly disgusting and then telling me i was 'over reacting'. thank you for showing me up at a family party, thank you for getting shit faced at your cousins birthday, that was a nice first time meeting all the family. thank you for making my mam hate every boy i will ever talk to, shes doing brill, thanks for asking. thank you for leaving me when i was crying, because i had just found out my mam had c. thank you for not being there when i needed a cuddle. thank you for that valentines present which was hers from thr year before, heres a tip for you, its under your bed. thank you for not coming my prom even though you promised. thank you for saying i dressed like a freak, just because i refused to wear a short skirt and a crop top. thank you for making me truly believe every boy will treat me like this. thank you for coming to appleby and being such a embarrassment to all my family by calling them such horrible names. its a good job they can take a 'joke'.
most of all, thank you for being in my life since 2009, because without you, i have no idea where i would be.
do you see? do you see what you have done? im broken kieran, i dont even know if anyone can ever fix me.
you took a part of my that i wish i saved for someone who loved me, not the attention. i cannot forgive myself for what i did and i know you will never forgive me. i was 16 kieran, i was scared. im so sorry that i never told you until it was too late. i am so sorry that i broke your heart, but you also broke mine and you never said sorry.
you will always be my special boy, you will always be my first time for everything and most of all, you will always be my friend. i should hate ou, i should want to kill you and trust me, it has crossed my mind. i should be able to walk down a street and not be reminded of you, but now i realised how much stuff we actually did together. how many memories we created and how many happy times we had. do you remember on our first date when you fell right on your arse and tried to act cool? i was still giggling about that 4 years on. do you remember when i used to call you a human calculator because you can answer most math questions?
we both know deep down that we need to move on, that we need to become two separate people. ill always bump into you at parties, and it probably will be strange seeing you on the other side of the room with a girl. im trying so hard to move on from you, im trying to speak to this boy who i really do like and you two would get on great, but i think it would be a bit strange if you were friends. i know you hate the idea of me sleeping with another guy and trust me, i hate the idea of you sleeping with another girl and having some strange girls hair slips around your room. i dont like the fact that there will be someone who wears your jumpers and sleeps on my side of the bed. there will be another girl who meets your mam and dad. a couple of months ago i would have tried anything to make us work, trust me, anything. i was prepared to move all around the world to be happy with you.
i dont know why we didnt work, i really dont. i dont k ow why we used to argue over who was wearing a onesie because it was always too hot in bed with two on. i dont know why we used to get a shower first because we always used to just share anyways.
most of all, i dont know why you stopped loving me and went back to her. because that hurt. the day i found out, when lisa took me for a costa and i knew. i knew it was over because she had tears in her eyes kieran. she just told me what she seen, you know at that party i never went because i thought we would enjoy a night with the lads. you didnt tell me that there was half of my year there and her. i have such big trust issues because of you, i cant trust a boy. i will always think that they will just go away and move on. if they dont text back, it means they are cheating. when all it could mean is that they are watching oitnb. i dont trust dan and he probably doesnt trust me. i dont trust any boy because of you. do you see how fucked up that is?
so thank you, from the bottom of my heart for making me feel like shit, for making me feel worthless, for making me paranoid about everything. thank you so very much for making each relationship that bit harder. thank you for making me self conscious about my boobs, now i hate showing them off. thank you for making me scared to wear vests because my arms are too big. thank you for making me feel utterly disgusting and then telling me i was 'over reacting'. thank you for showing me up at a family party, thank you for getting shit faced at your cousins birthday, that was a nice first time meeting all the family. thank you for making my mam hate every boy i will ever talk to, shes doing brill, thanks for asking. thank you for leaving me when i was crying, because i had just found out my mam had c. thank you for not being there when i needed a cuddle. thank you for that valentines present which was hers from thr year before, heres a tip for you, its under your bed. thank you for not coming my prom even though you promised. thank you for saying i dressed like a freak, just because i refused to wear a short skirt and a crop top. thank you for making me truly believe every boy will treat me like this. thank you for coming to appleby and being such a embarrassment to all my family by calling them such horrible names. its a good job they can take a 'joke'.
most of all, thank you for being in my life since 2009, because without you, i have no idea where i would be.
do you see? do you see what you have done? im broken kieran, i dont even know if anyone can ever fix me.
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
update
i feel like i should do a intro, but this is my space and i can do what i want. so ignore the lack of capital letters.
i havnt wrote on here for a while, months in fact. i have been so busy with my other blog i have forgot to blog about me. anna.
so whats happened? i could lie and come up with loads of stories, but relaistically, naff all. i fell out with kieran, well we didnt fall out. he just stopped. in my last posts i went on about that the spark had went. i was just like a chore instead of something i enjoyed doing. if you can class as sending nudes 7 days a week as enjoyable. we didnt say anything, i think we just both relaised we didnt have that connection anymore. i mean, i would always go back. always. as much as he pisses me off with the 'i wanna shag u' shit. i porbably havnt gotten over him. and if he is anything like the luke hold effect, i will probably be still loving him when i get married.
so i didnt get inot gen 2. i told my dad i did, maybe he would be proud of me. yes i lied but i wanted a reaction. he said well done, thats all. i am sick of him. im sick of claire being my dads twin. i want to spend time with him, i want to actually know my own dad. i dont want to know claire. then everyone brings up james, that was different. i have spent my whole life with my mam. it really hurts me to say this, but james is more of a dad to me than my own dad will ever be. he hugs me when i cry, washes my knickers, cooks me food and provides a roof over my head. i get that my dad doesnt live with me, i get that he is essentally a weed end dad. but that doesnt mean that he has to give up on me. because its always me who phones him, its always me who asks where he is. im fed up of trying and not even getting a reaction. im sick of being 17 and not even knowing my own dad. most off all, im sick of my dad not having a voice.
i feel like because i havnt blogged for ages, i have so much to say and so little time. my anxiety took a funny turn, im okay but its just strange. i cant cross a road of the lights are already green. i have no clue when this started, it just happened. i feel like i can going to get ran over. i have to wait, and in carlisle you can see the problem. the fact that there is hundereds of traffic lights.
well i think this is enough for today. i feel better now i have some stuff off my chest.
love, anna x
i havnt wrote on here for a while, months in fact. i have been so busy with my other blog i have forgot to blog about me. anna.
so whats happened? i could lie and come up with loads of stories, but relaistically, naff all. i fell out with kieran, well we didnt fall out. he just stopped. in my last posts i went on about that the spark had went. i was just like a chore instead of something i enjoyed doing. if you can class as sending nudes 7 days a week as enjoyable. we didnt say anything, i think we just both relaised we didnt have that connection anymore. i mean, i would always go back. always. as much as he pisses me off with the 'i wanna shag u' shit. i porbably havnt gotten over him. and if he is anything like the luke hold effect, i will probably be still loving him when i get married.
so i didnt get inot gen 2. i told my dad i did, maybe he would be proud of me. yes i lied but i wanted a reaction. he said well done, thats all. i am sick of him. im sick of claire being my dads twin. i want to spend time with him, i want to actually know my own dad. i dont want to know claire. then everyone brings up james, that was different. i have spent my whole life with my mam. it really hurts me to say this, but james is more of a dad to me than my own dad will ever be. he hugs me when i cry, washes my knickers, cooks me food and provides a roof over my head. i get that my dad doesnt live with me, i get that he is essentally a weed end dad. but that doesnt mean that he has to give up on me. because its always me who phones him, its always me who asks where he is. im fed up of trying and not even getting a reaction. im sick of being 17 and not even knowing my own dad. most off all, im sick of my dad not having a voice.
i feel like because i havnt blogged for ages, i have so much to say and so little time. my anxiety took a funny turn, im okay but its just strange. i cant cross a road of the lights are already green. i have no clue when this started, it just happened. i feel like i can going to get ran over. i have to wait, and in carlisle you can see the problem. the fact that there is hundereds of traffic lights.
well i think this is enough for today. i feel better now i have some stuff off my chest.
love, anna x
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