Anxiety

Today i will not let my anxiety rule my life. Nor will i tomorrow, next week or next year. Simply because i wont let myself ruin my life.

I have the bestfriends
The best family
The most amazibg family
A boy who loves me
A mam who cares
And a dad who... I have a dad
I have a job what pays
A heart that still beats
And a brain what still functions
So why
Why am i letting one tiny thing win
Ruin hours of my day
And hurt me more
Why do i let me unconscious mind hurt me
I have a life what people could dream of
So today i wont let me ruin me
Today anna wins and anxiety goes down
I will be forever winning
Goodbye

Annas in a relationship.. Shit.

We (me and dan) have decided not to out a name on whats going on. All i know is that he makes me happy and i hope its the same for him. He makes me smile when all i can see is black and he makes me laugh until my tummy hurts. Hes the best yet i still feel incomplete. Because there is something you dont know about dan, something what might change the way you look at me, ill tell you later.

Okay, so i cant keep it in and there is no 'easy' way to out it. Dan is actually a girl. No, im not lesbian so dont even ask. He was born in the wrong body, a body of a girl when he is actually a man. If you see him hes a man, he talks like a man, acts like a man and lives like a man. Im attracted to dan, not him as a girl because i dont even know what his birth name is. I dont want to know because that doesnt matter. Im not ashamed of the fact hes trans im the complete opposite and i couldn't be any prouder of how strong he is.

Im terrified that when people find out they wont speak or even worse speak to me differently. Im so scared that my family wont understand and then wont accept him.

So this blog post is for you dan, ill never change the way i look at you, even when others tell me to. Love you, you spiderman freak.

Mwah
X x x

Kieran vs. Jack vs. Dan

Lets just face the facts and say it. Whatever i do, whoever im with I'll always think of kieran. Hes done it again, hes let himself back in and I've welcomed him with open arms, silly Anna.

Jacks out of the question, I've basically forgotten about him to be honest. Kind of. Its all about dan and kieran now, why cant i just have both??!

Things would be easier if my anxiety and everything was better, what it isnt. My anxiety is telling me what to do and how i should do it. Its taking more energy and will to make it stop. But it never really stops, i just mute the sound for a while but its always back. I love my life i just hate myself and sometimes because cant understand what im going through. They dont get my pain and my anger towards myself. I need my friends so much right now but i have none if them. Not one of them has text me asking how i am, they promised me to keeo in touch but they lied. I feel so left out and like everyone has forgotten about me.

How can i love others when im in destruction mode?

Mwah
X x x

Kieran vs. Jack vs. Dan

Lets just face the facts and say it. Whatever i do, whoever im with I'll always think of kieran. Hes done it again, hes let himself back in and I've welcomed him with open arms, silly Anna.

Jacks out of the question, I've basically forgotten about him to be honest. Kind of. Its all about dan and kieran now, why cant i just have both??!

Things would be easier if my anxiety and everything was better, what it isnt. My anxiety is telling me what to do and how i should do it. Its taking more energy and will to make it stop. But it never really stops, i just mute the sound for a while but its always back. I love my life i just hate myself and sometimes because cant understand what im going through. They dont get my pain and my anger towards myself. I need my friends so much right now but i have none if them. Not one of them has text me asking how i am, they promised me to keeo in touch but they lied. I feel so left out and like everyone has forgotten about me.

How can i love others when im in destruction mode?

Mwah
X x x

Goodnight anna

So its late at night and im a hormonal, blubbering mess. I cant help but think about everything. Because we all know annas great at thinking.

I like dan
I also like jack
Okay so i might like dan more
Yeah i do but jack ok isnt he
I can still have both cant i
Dan said i can
Or is this a trick question
Bc i would be pissed off if he done it
I have trust issues
Thats kierans fault
Cunt
My bestfriend is also jamie hay
I decided today
Meeting him on friday
So excited to see a friend
Ive forgotten what one is
Luke doesnt count cos i work with him
Does dan count
Whats dan
Hi guys this is dan
Hes erm my erm friend
Friend with b
Narr i dont want one of them
My friend
Frenemie
I need to talk laura
See what crack is
Just with life
Not like shes made a effort with me tho
No hard feelings tho eh
Apart from zoe
Feelings like concrete
Slut
Wonder how jordie and kate are doing
Or hollie
Shes still aluve bc i got a story off her

Life guys, life is good

Mwah
X x x

Jack vs. Kieran

Jack savage and kieran C. Two biys who i love lots... Two totally different people, or are they?

So ive done it again. Im back in that place where i speak to 2 people at the same time and then get upset because i either get caught out or well, my heart starts to get confused and hurts a little bit.

Everyone knows everything about kieran. But a little update is that he stopped. The messages stopped and so did the late night snap chats. I knew what was going to happen... Hes found another me. I was right. He did. Her name was Emily and it wasnt the first time this had happened... Oh me and Emily knew Each other very well. I moved on.. To jack.

Not alot of people know about jack, i soeak about him very faintly but i never actually say his name. But he was there when i really needed some sort of male attention. Bad i know. We started to talk and then he went abit to deep. I didnt stop, i craved attention and this was what i needed. He thinks kieran is my bestfriend... If only he knew the truth.

I love both of them so much but 11 month is a long time to waste... Isnt it? Oh god.

Mwah

X x x

Why is it

Why is it every single time i try and make a blig post it either doesnt save or publish?? So this is attempt 678.9.

Its already been 🎃 halloween so im gutted i didnt get the chance to show you my nails. Ive always been a hater of acrylic, well acrylic just hated me. I could never get the right consistency and it was either still solid or really watery. So i decided on buying a gel kit. Not going to lie, i was abit scared because people have either really bad reviews or good ones. When my fake hand eventually came!! I got started and i loved it! Its abit fussy and does require patience, and i can now see why you charge so much extra but the finished result is 200× better. The only problem i really have is that i couldn't get my nail to arc at the danger point. But im sure with practice ill be fine.

Boys... Damn them beautiful creatures. I wont beat around the bush but i basically have two... Again... Oh dear god Anna. Shall we do a blog post on its own for this? Yes. Is this subject going to mean Anna typing for a long time? Yes. Is Anna going to cry? Hell no.... I mean... Probably... Oh okay, yes.

I feel really old... All im seeing on my news feed is 'prom dress' 'got my prom dress and love it' 'when is prom??' i cant believe how fast everything is happening because a year ago i had my dress, i had my make up and hair and nails and tan. Im abit jealous because this year was our prom... Not theirs. In 1 month time i have to look at apprenticeships again, that makes me feel so old. Next year oscar will be 2... What only means ill be 18.

Next year will not be the year of anxiety. Ive had alot on this year and i feel my anxiety has won. So 1-0 well done. Ive found a new technique what helps through them scary times.

Up Ho... Down Ha. Might seen stupid but it does work... Promise.

Anyways im on my train to college becausd i slept in and yeah..

See you soon

Mwah
X x x

Yeah

Yeah so basically my life is a mess. I keep having thoughts... Bad thoughts and i know its going to happen one day. Im trying so hard to be happy, but i really just want to cry every time i have a chance. It seems like my life is a series of ups and downs. I just cant be bothered with social occasions. Im loosing my friends but i cant help it. Carlisle college is to blame but its what i wanted. I wanted to start a fresh so why am i still hanging on to the past?

It was lisas on friday, once again ny night got ruined because someone couldn't keep their drink down and anna got stuck with them. I just want to sit down and scream and tell someone everything. Maybe i need to do this. I know im just having a down moment and im under pressure. But why doesnt anyone understand? I understand everyone else. One thing though. Im proud of myself. Im proud because i went into a room full of people ive been avoiding for so ling and spoke to them. For a tiny while i felt like the od anna.

Ill do another post soon, sorry i havnt been active. Ive just been feeling blehh.

Keep smiling guys.

Mwah
X x x

Tired anna

I'm just so tired, that I'm going to bed earlier and earlier each day... what only means that my social life is slowly fading away.

College vs. 6th form

Not going to lie, I was stuck. I wasn't 100% sure I liked college, purely because I was lonely. I went to Southfield and had a 6th form interview, but I still wasn't convinced. Seeing my friends and just talking to them, made me think about the decision I was about to make. See, it wasn't the fact I missed them, it was the fact I missed their company. But I still had friends. Seeing Mr Davidson, my all time favourite teacher, asking him what should I do. He just told me.. what I always knew. I was out of my comfort zone and really scared. But he told me to keep going at it. Because the Anna Taylor that went Southfield never quit.

I had until Monday morning to decide, and I just had to turn up at college... hear I am... on the train to college, where my heart belongs. Southfield isn't my home anymore, not now.

Do what you want to do, be happy☺

Mwah
X x x

How can anyone love me

I've been putting this off purely because I k ow I'm going to get upset over it, and then because my anxiety has just made me feel really tired and every time I do something I give up. But it's time to kick anxieties arse!

How can anyone love me when I don't even love myself? How can anyone honestly say I am everything they have been looking for when I can't even look at my self in the mirror anymore? I have scars, I have spots and I'm fat. Why would anyone want to love a person like me? Do they feel sorry for me? Is that it, do I get the sympathy love?

I thought all these things and I still do now, every day in the back if my mind. I push them further aside hoping they will disappear but they never do..

The thing is I fell in love more than once. I fell in love pretty deep only once but once was enough. Because it changed me. It made me feel loved? Because for once I was being loved not hoping for love. He would tell me how beautiful I was and our future together, we would talk about houses and other stuff. For nearly 3 years.. on and off and on and off, over and over again. Each time I would feel loved.. then worthless, over and over again. But for them fee happy months the impossible was happening and I done everything to hold on to them good times.
But I fell in love again... this time it was different. I didn't feel as lived as the first time, purely because this was more full on. I know for a fact he did love me, lots and he wanted to be with me.. but I didn't live myself around him. I couldn't love myself around him because I didn't have that equal love. I got threw in the deep end and I can't swim, I was drowning in all this love... But feeling numb.

I'll hold my hands up, I was speaking to two boys at the same time, but they were totally different types of love. Because one of them said some pretty vile things about me, but he doesn't know I know. My home town is a small place and by god I know a lot of people. The only control I had in that relationship was ending in, he had the power to love me and show me love. But I was frozen by then.

Then we had the other one, the one that got away. He made me feel amazing and for once in my life I could be me! He didn't want to buy a house he wanted to buy a car. I really did think I loved him but and I still think I do. When someone mentions his name, but not necessarily his name, I still feel that pang of hurt and betrayal. The thing is about this one was he wanted to be with me, but I couldn't after what he told me. His girlfriend had lost their baby, just 2 weeks ago and there he was speaking to me. If he can do it once he can do it twice. Then when I sent that last message... boom! He was gone, I was blocked. But I don't think it was him, it was his girlfriend.. how am I meant to love myself when I'm getting shared love? Was I not good enough for them,

I've been hurt many times, one of then times I didn't mention.. because it's still going on. Do I love myself now? Slowly but surely yes. But this time I'm doing it for me, Anna. The 16 year old heart breaker!

Peace and love, be careful who you love Because they might not always love you back.

Mwah
X x x

Future ideas...

So I'm one of these people who can't just focus on one thing, like every one else. I love writing. I love making things sound better than expected and most importantly I love making people feel emotions by reading my stuff. I use words what people understand because I use the type of language I would say and speak.

So getting down to it. I was thinking about starting a book about me, my life as a student with a single mam. My journey and everything that followed. Obviously it wouldn't be me, it would be my character. I want to tell people how I coped with everything what has happened and how I felt.

So a few things I could talk about is

Deaths of my Grandfather's
Mam getting married
Oscar being born
Claire
School
Weight
Boys
Friends
Family
And myself, Anna.

Nothing's final yet and I'm still just thinking, I dunno, I'm just not sure.

Let me think

Mwah
X x x

Guess who done it??

Today was the most scariest days of my life. Today was the day I found out my exam results and I was so nervous I was borderline being sick.

I kept having dreams and I'd convinced myself that I had failed english. Even writing this is making me well up because for so long I've been branded the "okay" child, for so long I've been told my English is terrible. WELL GUESS WHAT FUCKERS!! I GOT A B IN ENGLISH. I've never been more proud of myself ever, I was really poorly when I done some exams and my English so I was super surprised.

I done them exams for me, because if I can do that I can do so much better in my future. Today is just the start if my journey.

Moral of this is, if you out your heart and soul in to it and give it your best. You can conquer anything.

Mwah
X x x

Dear 26 year old Anna

Dear Anna Taylor,

This is you speaking, we are 16 right now, our birthday is next month and on Thursday we find out our exam results. Did we do well? Hopefully by the time you're your age you have become a fully qualified engineer designer? Or did you go with nagging nanna and become a nurse and shock everyone? Is Nanna even still alive?

What happened with you and kieran? Are we married, because that would be pretty weird. If so, did Zoe cone to the wedding? What about Luke, do you still speak? I hope not, he hurt us so much and I know you still think about him. Or did you meet someone at college and totally fall in live like we used to dream at night?

Have you got children yet? Have you followed the plan (remember I want 6). Are Claire and my dad still together, remember to really put your foot down because SHE IS NOT BEING OUR KIDS "GRAN". So which one of my year have died with a over dose? Or have got 12 kids and one called "chloe-anne-Leigh Mae Smith or whatever?

There is so many questions I want to ask you, but times have seriously changed since now. Do you still blog? Just remember that you once had a blackberry so don't judge anyone. Who's in the charts? Lady gaga still around? What about justin beiber (spelt it wrong havnt i?) Also, where are you living? Nice city apartment or cosy cottage in the country side?

Love life, remember who you were when you were 16, that little girl. I know you want to forget about all them nights sitting in bed, crying because we were to scared to go out. All them kissed parties, but we have bigger and better now, don't be afraid to speak out, start telling people and stop being so nice! News flash people took advantage of us! Can you still remember "nanna anna" they day you left school and she went into retirement?

So I'll see you soon, don't read this until 19th August 2024, or else.

Send love to everyone, start remembering the good times.

Good luck because boy are you going to need it.

Anna Taylor
16 years old
38 Harrington road
CA14 3ED

x x x

Angry Anna

So I havnt posted for a while and that's because I've been on holiday (if you count London as a holiday). I'll go a blog post on that another day.

The situation I want to address is very close to my heart. I've been trying to think of a way to nicely put it. But I'm so angry, there is no nice way.

I don't care what anyone says, calling someone fat, or worthless because they are heavier than a average person is so wrong. I'm not going to say "every girl is beautiful in their own right" because this blog post is dedicated to me, Anna.

All my life I have been told that I am fat.. by my own family. My own flesh and blood thought it would be a good idea to drill it into my head that I was fat. That I needed to slim down. News paper after news paper of story clippings of little girls slimming down, I believed it. I believed that I was fat. But, the part that gets me is, I was categorised fat, but they carried on giving me whole cherry pies and cream cakes, they carried on stocking up the crisp cupboard, they carried on brain washing me, telling me I was fat.

When I was 8, I started to wonder, why was it only me that was getting called fat in my family. Why was it only be who was given whole cherry pies. I found the answer a few months back. I wasn't. I looked round my family and every single one of them was "fat" some of my cousins were "fat" so why me? Because they knew I would believe them? Because I was vulnerable?

Being called fat by my family didn't lead me just to comfort eat and pile on the pounds, but I would constantly hear "just have one cream cake" or "there's pudding in the fridge" it also left me with really bad self esteem issues and panic attacks, if my own family was calling me fat, what was everyone else thinking? I started to get really paranoid about everything.

Does anyone realise what they have actually done to me? The once confident little girl has gone and she's never coming back, that little girl went a very long time ago. Does anyone realise when you get told time after time what you look like you have out on weight, that it hurts? Has anyone even thought about how it might of made me feel? When people are talking about you, while you are in the kitchen? Does anyone even care about how I felt? Did that ever cross anyone's minds?

I thought prom was going to be magical, and I really felt utterly shit. I felt fat, I felt orange, I hated my hair and I was sat on a table with people who made me feel so uncomfortable being me. How is that okay? "Aye, Anna's okay, she's thick skinned" is she okay? Have you asked her, because I'm pretty sure if you do, it's a whole different story.

Being my type of fat isn't a choice. I got brainwashed into it, I will always be the fat cousin even when I do finally get to my target weight. The Taylor's need to realise I'm not a target any more, I have the gun now, and shots are going to get fired.

Mwah
X x x

WORKK

So I'm officially employed. Not going to lie, I was rather gutted. I'd just spent 5 weeks if my life getting up in the afternoon and eating rather a lot of food. Now I get up at 8 or 9 or even 6:50. But it's money in the bank and keeps me from eating the fridge.

I wasn't expecting it to be this hard, I honestly wasn't. How hard can serving customers be? Very hard. You never stop. But I cannot fault the team because they truly are amazing. No matter how many times I ask "where's the steak bakes?" Or "what sandwich is this?" They always answer and we have a laugh. And good news, I now hate sausage rolls, I've seen the grease😒

Apart from the fact I don't eat for 5 hours and then feel sick, or the fact my once beautiful nails are no more, in having a great time!

I'll write another blog post tonight, I have gossip

Mwah
X x x

Really? Again? Oh no.

Basically I Havnt blogged for a while and while I've been away, kets just say LOTS of things have happened. I got a job, at greggs and I start tomorrow, I've taken off my prom nails (going to do a post on that later) bought some shoes and went to 2 parties! My anxiety was on a high, but I finally beat it, well for now.

But the news we are always waiting to hear about. Me and Kieran. So the situation was that he deleted Ashleigh, so I assumed everything was fine but he was still being off with me, I thought Fuck it, two can play at this game. So I deleted him. On one of my posts I go on about power, this time I felt sad. I didn't want to power I wanted him to make up his mind. I got on with my life and I felt good, but then I done a stupid thing what, made me feel so stupid and angry. I checked everyone's bestfriends on snapchat and suprise suprise zoes 2nd bestfriend was Kieran. Obviously I couldn't see his bestfriends to see if she was on but it wasn't the point. I just felt really angry that she could do that. For God sake eveyone knows I love him! But the thing that made me even more angry was that she was hiding something at her garden party, she knew I knew. Bitch.

As you can all guess and know I write things down when I am angry, I wasn't angry at him I was angry at her.

I'm making this blog post so every time I think about him, I can just re read this.

Kieran C, he's literally been my life for the past 5 years, but we'll narrow it down to the last 7 month's. It started off as a snap chat, one single snap chat, just a friendly hi. I didn't realise that, one single message could take over my life. It really has changed me. I had lost all of my confidence and I wasn't in a nice place, he made me realise what I had, he made me bring back the confidence, we would argue over his weed and he would argue to me over Zoe. But without him I couldn't have been the person I was at prom. But all short term things come to a end. And ours did. 7 months is a long time, but it was 7 months I wouldn't change. How can I hate someone who has made me into a better person? That's just silly and stupid.

I don't feel jealous, I feel honoured to have the pleasure of speaking to him, he's not a bad person like everyone warned me of, he's just got issues and fell into a hole. He made friends with people who didn't help, but he's a good person, I know that more than anyone. We are just different and we want different things in life.

Kieran, I'll never hate you. Thank you x

How can I ever be angry at the person who made me? That's stupid. Anyways. He snapchatted me (my privacy settings let anyone snap me apparently) I added him anddddd.... nothing, I can't do it again.

I better get some sleep because work! Wish me luck😋

Mwah
X x x

The undecided 16 year old

People always say that I have my life plan sorted and I have a clear view on what I want in life. This is so untrue.

I chop and change what I want as a career all of the time. I had my heart set on getting a apprenticeship for gen 2.. but I didn't get in. I had my heart set on a apprenticeship down near Birmingham... but my mam didn't have enough money to take me to my interview. I kind of realised, apprenticeships just wasn't for me, I gave up. I got into college and great, I planned for that and was ready, told everyone and..... I looked at apprenticeships again, I wasn't letting 2 fails spoiling my future, I knew I wasn't going to get all of them, I was just disheartened. My eye clicked on one and... it looks so good. But this time I researched everything, accommodation, travel, just general things to see if I could. And I think I could... yeah, my budget may be tight and I'm probably not going to be able to come home every month. I'm growing up. And if I change my mind soon, that's okay.

I also change my mind about boys allll of the time. Kieran blah blah blah, over, d one, sorted, byeeee! I change what I look for, what they are like, that they do, how they act, age, appearance. I change my mind, but that's okay.

Its okay to have second thoughts, it's okay to be unsure about your future, them feelings are okay. I'm young, you're young, really, you're never too old. Change your mind, do what makes it you happy. Because, all that matters to you is you.

Mwah
X x x

PROM!

So its started! Countdown to prom started in year 7... I mean the real one. 2 days and something hours to go!! On this post I'm going to be talking about my prep and what I'm getting done.

Nails
Obviously first, because every one knows my obsession with nails! As my dress is purple I'm having purple shellac with a subtle glitter tip, I want to keep it classy but wacky... yeah. Then on my thumb I'm having the union Jack because of my shoes (I'll explain later). I think I'm keeping them slightly pointy, I SONT want to claw every one haha. I've been looking at designs but they all seem abit too jejsjjejs (too promish in Anna language)

The face of doom
Any girl knows (and boys) the last thing you want when you have a special occasion coming up is a face full of face demons... yep that's right, I have loadsss. I've been exfoliating and cleaning and using face washes and it's just got worse. Luckily for me, I'm having my make up done for me by a professional sooo, fingers crossed she can tame them and hide away the hideous things. My eye make up is going to be blacks, gold and purple, basically a smoky eye.. I hate eye make up. I don't want my make up to look too heavy on my face... like I look like a high class prostitute (yep, I just uses that song on my blog). Everything natural, just calm down the spots.

Hair
Basically tho hair style I wanted, every one is getting (great). Mine a just a low middle bun with loads of plaits and stuff going on... Yeah I'm sure it will look fab! With lots of hair spray and hope! I also hate hair... Nails are my thing.

Accessories
I'm wearing a hair slide in my hair, its very classy (I wasn't allowed one with a unicorn on... I cried a little when they said no). Ans the normal neckalace and earrings... the usual prom stuff. But that's about as normal as I get. I had my turn now! Shoesss. I was sick and bored of people wearing the same shoes, I hate being like every one else... dare to be different. So anyways, my shoes are iron fist union Jack heels and they are amazing! I love them! I wanted the bag to match, but to my horror, it was a purse! Rule number 4 in the Anna rule book. A bag should be present at every stage of life (including prom). I also hate them little clutch bag things what fit 5 pound in and a packet if fags... no, Anna doesn't do that. Anna need a biggg bag! So Anna did get a big bag. Its not as wonderful as I imagined but it's silver and big. Boringgg.

So basically that is it... oh my dress? Wait and see.

Mwah
X x x

People think wrong

People think that my life is really exciting, I suppose what you read on here make a it sound like that... but it isn't. I show you a tiny part of my life. I pick out the good parts to show you.

I talk about my friend a lot, the fact that I find it hard to have things in common with them. I've sais this and I'll say it again, I've grew up way before anyone else. When they say "should we go town" I think of alcohol and dancing on table tops, not walking round town bored. They sit in their little groups and talk shit while I sit alone, snapchatting someone. That isn't exciting.

I also talk about boys quite a lot, I did at one point have 2 boys at the same time (I've worded that bad for a reason, I need it to sound bad) I literally had my fall back and my man, but my man let me down... I didn't want the same as him. This happened 3 times. 3 times I've fell out with someone because... we'll they just don't make me happy. I've always had my fall back though, I've always had that tiny bit if control and power to press a button and BAM! Back to normal. But really, this isn't exciting, it's degrading. Knowing someone uses you for 10 minutes then "done😉" this isn't exciting either.

This blog wasn't to hurt anyone, it was to express my feelings with you lot, to let you know how I feel. I know one day one of my friends are going to come across this and think "what a bitch" but there the type of people I don't want to be friends with... because it's 2014 and you get judged. More than you will ever know. You'll get judged for your hair to what bra you wear. Do what you want. Be who you want. Then it might be exciting, maybe.

Mwah
X x x

Power of I

The title is abit confusing because this blog is about me having no power. I hate making decisions because I always think I'll pick the wrong one, I am always the person who gives out power but never gets.

But that's changed, I had the power to do something what in a way... has changed my life. I deleted someone off snapchat, this person wasn't a person I really wanted in my life, it wasn't... I literally spoke to him out of boredom. I was his fall back and he was mine. 6 months spent, but 6 months spent learning. I don't get over boys, apart from Luke. Normally I cry for a few days and then forget about them. This time I didn't even do that.

I looked at it as, I was in the middle of two people, two people that I had nothing in common woth apart from we were all speaking to him.

I have exciting plans in the future and 2 whole years at college to do! New people, new Anna, New start.

You've got to find the power, to be powerful.

Mwah
X x x

UPDATE

I thought I'd bring you up to date with Anna. Unfortunately it isn't good.

Yesterday I went to the river with my friends. I found out I just don't have that connection with them anymore, I don't like the same stuff as them and I don't find their jokes funny. I've grew up. I don't get why I should have to fake being happy when I'm not, I don't get why I should have to fake enjoying myself when I'm not. This is just another reason why I need new friends.

But I havnt been all bad, I've organised some days what make me get up in the morning, if I didn't, I would still be in bed. Tomorrow I'm going with hollie, with her I can open up, its strange because we are different, but it works. It's probably because everyone is different to me, I'm a strange breed.

Is anyone else feeling like this? Comment below if you are, know one has to go through this alone, not even you😊

Mwah
X x x

Nails and hair stuff

So, if you're from the UK you will have probably heard of Appleby horse fair. I go every year, without fail. But this year as been abit different, I'm going on a Sunday not a Saturday. So to get ready for the fair I've done my nails and hair.

Nails
On my thumb and the finger next to the pinky I have a "minty green wonder" on. Be aware I'd you use this please use a under coat to protect your nails (I have a blog post on how to do this) u also found I had to mix it quite well and but 2 layers on. On the rest of my fingers I have a "sky blue blue blue" again, please prepare your nails and I found this needed 3 layers. I then used my dotting tools to create 3 small different coloured flowers, I dotted then dragged to make a petal effect. Then to make it feel more summery, I put a green glittery what I bought from primark (beat glitter I've had in a while) on my thumb and that other mysterious finger and a soft and hard grain glitter on the rest☺

Hair
Because my hair is medium length, I decided in was sick of curling or straightening my hair. So I came across a old friend of mine. The tresseme hair boosting styled. It smooths, volumises and styles in seconds! So I'm going to do this so I limit the damage to my hair from normally back combing😛

Hope you enjoy this blog, please feel free to comment on anything else you want to get featured on the blogs!

Mwah
X x x

R.A.D

Do a lot of you guys have been talking about what makes me...well me. Youvr been asking questions what I've been putting off, and to be honest the whole point of this blog was to get things off my chest.

The title is R.A.D because these are the words I work with everyday. These letters help me through my anxiety attacks and make things a lot more doable.

Reach out.
You need help. You know you do but you're scared, I know. I know you feel shitty and scared and I know that you feel the whole world is against you. But really it isn't. You're in a place what isn't very nice and you need support. So even if it's the bin man, tel someone. Tell someone how you feel. Once you've broken Down that wall, you're gonna feel so much better. I promise. But don't stop there! Tell a professional, don't be ashamed, it's their job to help you. Get the help you deserve! One day, everything will be back to normal...one day.

Achievement
Set yourself challenges. Not really big ones, but little ones. Like 'i'm going to walk past this group of people' or  'i'm going to go out tomorrow' at first it's scary and you're probably going to try and persuade yourself out of it, but you need to start pushing yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Stop and smell the roses. Enjoy yourself! If you're scared of walking past big groups of people, walk past them with people so you feel safer, there is always ways round things.

Determination
So you're in bed, the curtains are closed and you've been in your room all summer holidays. Why? People you're scared to go outside. For whatever reason you are. You have one week left, one week until exams start.

Set yourself a goal. Your goal being to go down to the beach with your friends because you know, if you bail on them again, that's it. They will give up on you. Who wants that? Every time you feel like you want to go to your room, to bed. Think. Think about that goal. Make everything you do up until you reach your goal and the goal. This goal is a step onto normality, people will see that you are okay.. lie to them if you really want. Say you are fine! They know you're not, but they won't be awkward around you.

So remember, there is help, you just need to ask for it.

Be safe,
Be happy,
Be free

Mwah
Xx

Okay, I'm really back!

So I may have lied last time and said I was back, when really I wasn't. I've had exams, christenings, hair appointments and lots of crazy stuff. But I'm back with lots of gossip!

Exams
Lots of people have been asking me how I cope and the truth is, I don't. I really crumble under pressure and I'm my own worst enemy. I try and use breathing techniques but they seem stupid. I just get on with it, I have no choice.

Nails
As you all know, I love nails! I have hundreds of polishes, and I like nothing better than doing my nails. As it's half term, I've currently got on acrylic nail forms with a mix glitter top coat. They are really impractical but I loveeee them!

Just a short one today, I will get back into this I WILL

Mwah
Xxx

I'm back guys!!

I havnt wrote on here for a while and I feel slightly guilty. I've been thinking (oh god) because I feel lost in who I am. Sounds very hippy I know but it's true. I need to find out who Anna is, what does she do and what is her future.

I've been looking at names, you know names of people that pop out. I looked at a name today and it felt like I've knew the name for ages. It was a bad feeling because I knew that name wasn't what I wanted. I knew I had to change.

Change. I'm leaving school on Friday and not gonna lie I'm fucking scared. I don't want to leave, I don't. Making my leavers presents makes everything so much more real. The Anna people love is the Anna people know.

On the other hand, exams have made me have stupid.nails with no polish on so I'm realllyyy not happy!

Mwah
X

Yep, I'm leaving school

If you can't already realise, I'm leaving school. In 8 days, in 8 days I will only have to come in for some lessons and then I get to go home at break on Fridays! I'm excited, or should I say I'm exited for prom. I just want people to see me all done up! And not sitting with a drunk person!!

Closer to the time (or when I'm at home more) I'll be doing some nail tutorials on my you tube account and maybe some really easy hair styles. Please remember I hate hair, so if I can do it you can too!

Mwah
X

Exams start, Anna's life stops

So I had two exams today. First one (fingers crossed it went okay). It was biology and I was dreading it, hopefully I would have done good and I won't fail. Then we have geography. Ew. Come on ocr what are you thinking?? We are not thick, so don't make us think we are.

Exams stress me out, I get really figity and people get annoyed at me. WELL SORRY SO ACTUALLY BEING NERVOUS BECAUSE WOW, THATS SOOOOO BAD!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME WHILE I GIVE YOU A MIDDLE FINGER WHILE CALLING U A BITCH.

I find out when I leave tomorrow, exciting
Mwah
X

They call me Nanna for a reason.

The title sounds abit stupid but it's about what is says it's about. I get called Nanna all the time and today proved it.

Sometimes I worry about people more than I should, and then I stop worrying about myself. I start having sleepless nights and my anxiety goes into over drive. Today was hollie and geography and yesterday was Dionne and revision. I panic about hollie allll of the time! She really doesn't even realise how worried I am about her. I'm super excited for college with her, she's gonna do good. And Dionne, well I worry about her too. She's beautiful and boys know it.

I worry about everyone, and I have a bag what contains everything you may need. I elaborate "everything". I know I need to stop panicking but it's really easier said than done.

Nannas always going to be here, no matter what
Mwah
X

The tummy feeling

Do you ever get a sort of "feeling" in your belly when something happens? And you feel sick but sort of excited? It's a side effect of my anxiety, I normally get them throughout the day but I try and block them out. Its easier. But I sometimes get really big ones what are quite painful, it's like my body knows something is wrong. Normally there isn't or the "wrong" is something silly, I have to calm myself down by distracting my body. The reason why I'm doing this blog. I've got this feeling because of a snapchat. How stupid. I'm shaking and I'm.so scared to even open it.

Do I or don't i?

Mwah
X

Picture and and leaving school

So I'm getting to that age where I'm leaving school, leaving my friends.and setting off on a new adventure. Its really just hit me now that..this is it, I've completed school and that's scary. All I've never knew is school and now I'm going to be alone. Fingers crossed I get into college and I'll have hollie.

My leavers photos were today and I was more angry than sad, I noticed how much I've actually isolated myself from different people. But, I can't change it now- it's too late! Proms really soon, talking about this is more detail in my book

Just a short one today
Mwah
x

NEW NAIL DAY!!

So as promised!! Today is new nail day and I am VERRYYY excited! The weather at workington is...dry, but that's it. I'm thinking maybe some springing, some marble, some glitter, flowers?? All I do know is they are going to be amazing!

So, people often ask how I prep my nails and how I manage to keep the colour on so long. Firstly, I go over my nail bed will a polish remover and take off any unwanted previous colour (this step is vital because your new colour will lift if placed on top of old). I then push my cubicles back and dehydrate my nail bed (this makes everything form better). The next step I sometimes miss out depending if I know how long I'm going to have the colour on (4 hours to 3 weeks). But anyways I put a primer on nail, in use a pen one but any will do (the stronger smell, the better). After this I put on my base coat and TADAAA!

Its my leavers photo tomorrow and I'm not going to lie, I'm slightly unprepared for all the straightening, curling, plastering make up, teasing, endless coats of mascara. Just gotta do what I need to do I guess.

Mwah
X

Teens verse world

Teenagers. We all were one. Some of us are still one. We scare old people and Rob banks, we wear hoodies and drink in bus stations. We are known for asbos, we are known for spitting on streets. Teenagers, what wonderful creatures.

But the thing is, you, you people reading this shaking your head and tutting to Jimmy at in his chair, were once all of them things. But we aren't all like that and I think it's wrong. I don't spit, I don't have a asbo and as far as I know I don't scare old people and I certainly do not wear hoodies so why do we all get tarnished with the same brush? How unfair is that?

I, Anna Taylor, 16 and 8 months don't do them things because I was brought up in a... nice, clean, solid family. I was taught what was right and wrong and how to act in public. Some parents fail at this. The older generations fail to recognise that I'm also scared of my generation and that I wish they would pull their pants up. Unfortunately you nagging at betty and bingo isn't going to help the situation. All it's doing is pissing is teens of even more.

I wish everyone would be polite and say hello and thank you and I wish everyone would get on and be nice but I also wish for a lot of other things, doesn't mean they can come true. Its unfair that because a small majority of people have some things what are "wrong in the name of society" doesn't mean we all are horrible. By saying this doesn't it make society wrong, don't we need to ask ourselves why we do what we do?

Teenagers will always be kids, it's what we do. Don't expect us to be adults and treat us like children. All we ask for is just some leeway, is it that hard?

Mwah
X

Just gonna say it

There's a few things what need to be mentioned in this post. Most of them I talk about in my videos but I feel you guys are missing out on parts of my life. By reading this post I hope you can understand my posts more and that my twining is related to a certain topic.

The thing I talk about the most right now is boys. Most of you know who he is and the current situation (my other recent blog post will tell all). I havnt been happy and 100 per cent sure what I wanted out of him. The fact that I wasn't happy and he wasn't making me happy was causing a major concern for me. He used to make me happy, He used to make me feel special and wanted but now I feel paranoid and ashamed. You shouldn't be ashamed of someone you love. But I don't love him. I really don't, I might talk about him most of the time and become shy when people talk about him but I don't love him. I think, deep down I know I'm the problem. No wait. My anxiety is my problem, the problem. It seems like I freeze when he says certain things but I can't explain it to him. I can't say to him "I feel suicidal" Because he'd freak and run.

Still talking about boys.. it's been 5 months for talking to this boy. 5 whole months of my life I've spent smiling at my snapchat when is pops up. But it hasn't been all smiles, trust me. At first I didn't really know if I should speak to him. I didn't really know if I was allowed. Sounds stupid eh? But I wasn't sure if Zoe would be okay with the situation..she wasn't. I had to choose between a boy and my friend. It was the hardest decision ever because normally none of my friends like the boys I pick, but he was special. This thing as I call it has made me the person I am..good and bad.

Just another rant

I don't normally post two things a day but this 'thing' is really starting to bother me.

Do you know how shit it feel and how much it sucks to be speaking to someone for 5 months to nothing? Like over night they decide I'm not good enough for them and they just cut me out. No body will ever know how much gut it took me to finally have the fucking guts to speak to him back. No body knows how much I've cried and cried because I didn't want to loose my "friend". I didn't want to be that girl who gets used by the popular kid. I didn't want that. But hey, look at it!

Every night I just pray that it will go okay, every night I worry myself to sleep because I don't want a bad name. Every day at school I get so paranoid that people are watching and talking about me that I make myself have a panic attack. No one even knows, because they don't ask. They see my smile and think everything is okay when what does "okay" even mean? People say okay all of the time but do we say it to shut people up or actually are we okay? Because you know, people use the word "k" when they are pissed off so they aren't "okay" okay?

I don't even know what this is but I'm so angry and disappointed in myself, I promised myself I would just be happy for a week to see what it felt like, no sad comments or thoughts. Happiness. I was so fucking close! You know how shit that feels? Of course you don't! How could I have possibly guessed you could have?

Can you tell I'm pissed off? Get used to it.

I need the balls to tell him. Now.

Mwah x

Friday....ITS FINALLY CAME!

Friday. The only day what can make a stripper teenager do a half face smile. The only day what sounds some what appetizing.

All I've heard about today is party, party, someone called Josh who's having a party, when's the next party, I'm having a party. It seems the whole teenage life revolves around parties and getting drunk. When you were little you used to actually dance at a party (normally cha cha slide or Saturday nights. When we got older drink became the song). Now all we do it sit and drink and normally bitch about someone who's in the kitchen, then be friends with them when they finally emerge. It's not that I don't like parties, I do. I just don't like the preparation for a party.

Usually, on the rare occasion I get invited to one I spend most of my time searching the internet for a dress I'll only wear once (I seem to have this fear of wearing an outfit more than once), washing my extensions and styling them (I won't wear them, I never do but I always do this just incase in the rare occasion I do). It takes hours if not days to get ready for what?6 hours of drunken antics. It's horrible but us teen love it.

If I could offer some friendly advice to my 12 year old self. Don't do parties until YOU feel YOU are Ready for one massive hangover and probably lots of visits to the bathroom and maybe a night beside the toilet. Just stop panicking, you will get invited just don't push for it. Chill out!

Party, Party, Party
I hate you.
Mwah x

Does anyone ever feel?

Do you ever feel like you exist but people don't realise your full potential, like you're just there, sitting, standing but not doing anything? Just listening into people conversations making comments in your mind? Do you ever fall asleep thinking about scenarios what you wish would happen? Do you ever listen to music or your favourite song and think you're playing at a music festival? Do you ever think about your future? Like how you are going to look and speak and live and who your friends are? Do you ever panic because you think that your whole life is a fail and you're going to fail and everything you do? Do you ever think that you make people unhappy all if the time and no matter how hard to try to fit in you dont? Do you ever get ready for a party after weeks of crying over what shoes to go with which dress that you decide 5 minutes before it starts you're not going? All because your make up didn't go right or because someone is going to be there you don't like? Do you ever go up to your bedroom and just think for hours about nothing, just thinking and listening to your breathing? Do you ever think about the day you die? Who's going to be there and how you are going to die. Asking yourself if it's going to be a long process or sudden? Do you ever just feel like these breathes you take, the blinks you blink and the tears you cry are worthless? Because I do.

I feel horrible, all the time, every day. 7 days a week I look at myself and want to cry and change everything about myself. But I can't, deep down I know I'm perfect, I am unperfectly perfect and that's okay.

Be who you wanna, who you wanna you gotta be.

Mwah x

Bus station life..yep

So I'm sat in the bus station again (WARNING: Anna gets the bus every day apart from days that mother deary can provide transport). It's a funny old day isn't it? It's slightly cold but this bus is so hot😅😅😅<--hot face??I'm. Anyways, the classes I have today are somewhat depressing. Geography first, MATHS, some other mystery subject probably English, GERMAN WITH A FRICKEN TEST, lunch❤❤, then physics😭 and technology or product design if you really want to know me well.

I can feel a rant coming on.
So. I was going to say 'as many of you know' but you don't know because I'm just a random person sharing my thoughts with you guys and you don't watch my videos..should we start? Are you ready??

Around about 3 long years back I started to speak to a boy called Luke, Luke hold. We would fight, laugh, tell each other we loved each other and then hated one of other. But that was us. In November I'd had enough, my friends were getting sick of me constantly being down and I decided enough was enough. We finished by me saying' sorry I wasn't good enough'. I moved on pretty quick, probably too quick. But now Luke goes with a new girl, not a problem? Big problem! This girl is sat on my bus, in my year, hating me right now. LETS JUST GET SOME THINGS STRAIGHT JADE CHADWICK. YOU CAN HAVE HIM, MARRY HIM, HAVE 5 KIDS WITH HIM IF YOU WANT. I AM OVER LUKE. DID YOU HEAR THAT?OVERRRR. WRITE STATUSES, CALL ME A BITCH OR A FAT WHORE, TELL ME HE WOULD.T TOUCH ME WITH A BARGE POLE, BUT I KNOW WHAT HES LIKE. I KNOW THAT AFTER WHAT..6 MONTHS MAX HE WILL GET BORED, FACT. AND GUESS WHO HES GONNA RUN BACK TO?? ME! SO STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH AND STELL SKYE TO STOP LOOKING AT ME OR I WILL PUNCH HER.
mwah x

School starts....now!

I didn't write on this...kind of got distracted by my bus being late...AGIAN! Revision started his week and I'm already dying on day 2. This can only get worse.. the word revision scares me. Exams scare me. I think I need help...Yeah help..

Does anyone even read this? Hmm. I made this purely for fun but now looking people have careers out of it and that's pretty cool. Some people's blogs are all about make up or nails or hair so on, but I'm nanna anna.and I do lots of things. Don't be shocked if I do a whole page ranting on about someone in my year or how much I hate corn flakes. Hopefully I'll be talking about nails because that's what I mainly do because my idea of make up is mascara and blusher haha. I may talk about hair the odd times but this blog is going to consist of rants and nails.

So let's start things off with a rant. Year 7's. Don't tell me to give them a chance because I was one of them 5 long years ago. But I really wasn't. I came into school with 5 ftiends? *Sobs* and I'm sure I didn't wear skirts that short and scare poor innocent year 11's in the dinner line. I remember being soooo scared of the final years because they were literally about 6 foot tall with beards now, we have Luke Armstrong and at a push naill Melton. Not exactly scary? It's their bags aswell. People who know me well will know my bag is my soul and life. Wihout the bag I am an average 16 year old. I would like to think my bags represent myself but a Justin bieber bag really? In southfield?

I do my nails on average once a week depending on what's happening. I try to use high street brands because I think it's important to show people they can create a branded look for a fraction of the price. I'm.always stalking superdrug for new polishes or even Claire's (they have a really really really good black nail pen). My crazy obsession with nail art came in my summer holidays in 2012. I got my nails done by a nail technician and it's grew ever since then. My birthday is in September so I got loads of nails stuff for it. My favourite range of polishes is the metallic range from sixteen, I think these are boots own brand. Over the years I've tried lots of different metallic and they always seem.somewhat streaky and thin based, not this range. You normally need to build up the layers with a metallic varnish but this one goes on with one coat and lasts for ages!(I'm very practical so normally varnish chips after a few days.) I would strongly recommend you try out these!! They come in so many different colours and the glitters are pretty fab too.

Thank you for reading and just remember, price doesn't always determine how something is going to turn out. Trust me

Mwah,
Nanna😘